


Staring At Eternity

by ShadowLikesPie



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comments may contain Spoilers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fashion Issues, M/M, Malec, Shadowhunter!Magnus, Slow Burn, Swap!AU, This Is Gonna Take A While, Warlock!Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 09:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6560245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowLikesPie/pseuds/ShadowLikesPie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know I can't fall in love with you." The warlock murmured, bright blue eyes glistening as he stared at the floor. "I'm physically unable."</p><p>"I know, Alec." Magnus whispered, the Shadowhunter looking at the warlock in front of him. "And it's okay." </p><p>He liked to pretend his voice didn't break at the end of the sentence.</p><p>-- OR --<br/>The one where Alec is a warlock, and Magnus is a Shadowhunter.  Various other characters will be swapped, but not all.<br/>Swap!AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alec Lightwood: High Warlock

**Author's Note:**

> This came from a dream where Magnus was complaining about being a Shadowhunter and having to wear unfashionable gear. "If I'm going to kill demons, I'm going to kill them with style."  
> Not joking.

Alec Lightwood may have been a warlock, but his hatred for parties stretched throughout the centuries. Not only were they too loud, and too awkward, but he was always asked dumb questions. Or hit on by pretty ladies that obviously didn't know his orientation.

Not that Alec had made a real effort to let anyone know what his sexual orientation was.

Often he was asked the question of why he was a warlock with a two syllable name, or how his warlock mark could have been his eyes if they were simply blue.

But they weren't regular blue, they flickered between shades depending on his mood. From a pale, ghostly blue when he was scared to almost-black when someone really pissed him off. Sometimes it was inconvenient, like when a girl asked why his eyes are almost going to green when her chest was pressed up against him.

Alec had simply scratched the back of his neck and gotten the hell out of there.

Not even hundreds of years could completely solve his awkward tendencies, it seemed.

Those reasons were only a few as to why he despised parties, so when his sister Isabelle wanted to throw one in his apartment, he had wanted to scream.

Warlocks couldn't technically have siblings, as females were sterile and unable to have children. However, their mother had had a baby with a demon once, with Alec, and once his eyes started shifting blues she swore never to meddle with demons again.

Even if she hadn't known that Alec's father was a demon.

And yet, when Isabelle came along, and bore a warlocks mark - a forked tongue like a snake's - Maryse was dreadfully confused as to how Isabelle came to be.

Until she remembered the charming man that smiled and batted his eyelashes one fateful night. Who, of course, turned out to be a demon.

So, in all honesty, Isabelle and Alec were only half-siblings, but they had grown up in the same house as Maryse and their step-father Robert.

Even when both had died, being mundanes after all, Isabelle and Alec stayed together; acting like siblings. They were alone, with no one but each other and Izzy's occasional flings for centuries.

Until they met a young vampire, newly turned, named Jace Herondale.

When they first met, in the late 1800s, Jace was contemplating throwing himself into the sunlight. It was Alec that stopped him, and tried to show him that his life wasn't over. Far from it, in fact.

And so, from that point onwards, Alec and Isabelle suddenly had someone else standing by them.

Alec loved both of them dearly, and had had a crush on Jace for a few decades. That had ended, however, back in the 1900s.

Nowadays, they mostly stayed in Alec's tidy, bare apartment watching movies and eating junk food. Alec had the biggest place out of all of them, being the High Warlock of Brooklyn, so they spent most their nights there.

Alec was plenty happy with his two companions, the warlock half-sister and the vampire that he had saved.

At least, until Izzy was practically forcing him to host a party in his apartment.

"Come on Alec! You've never held a party here, and it's huge." She pouted, sticking out her forked tongue. "Loosen up a little, big brother." She teased, and Alec rolled his eyes.

"And what would this party even be for?" Alec inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"An eternity's worth of missed birthdays?" Isabelle tried, looking at Alec with shining dark eyes.

"Izzy.." Alec started, and she glared.

"Oh come on Alec, you're the High Warlock. People _expect_ you to throw a party at least once in a while." 

"And what, do they also _expect_ me to wear glitter and pink leather?" Isabelle opened her mouth to answer, but Alec raised a hand tiredly. "A joke, Izzy." She sighed heavily.

"Jace wants a party too." Isabelle said, to no one in particular. 

"Fascinating." Alec retorted, shoving his hands in his pockets and beginning to walk away. In his opinion, hoodies were the best invention of the 21st Century. 

"Wait, Alec. There's another reason behind a party." Alec turned, raising an eyebrow.

"Hm?" 

"The Shadowhunters planned to go to the next Downworld party there was."

"Why would they want to do that?" Alec asked incredulously.

"Something new the Clave released about keeping a close eye on the Downworlders in your area and what-not. They're supposed to attend a party to make sure we aren't doing anything illegal." Alec rolled his eyes at Izzy's explanation.

"The Clave is always trying to cook up something to get rid of us  Iz." He tried, but she glared a bit.

"But shouldn't we throw a party, that way the Shadowhunters don't go to a vampire one? Or something where there's illegal activities and New York's Downwoeld is suddenly restricted? Come on Alec, you have to see the rationality of it." She reasoned, and Alec grudgingly admitted she had a point.

"Fine." He gave in with a sigh. "But no weird potions in drinks, no really awful music you love, or anything that you know I hate. Okay?" Isabelle nodded happily, throwing her arms around his neck.

"Thank you so much Alec! Alright, so I'm thinking tonight, starting at midnight. Oh god, I have to get ready." And then she was gone, without even letting Alec get a word in. With a sigh, he stared at his dreary apartment.

"Even at over four hundred years, I still have no idea how to decorate a room." Alec muttered with a sigh, letting a few pale blue sparks hop between his fingertips. 

"Don't worry about decorations or invites!" Isabelle shouted from the other room, as if she'd heard him.

On second thought, she probably had.

Alec yelled back an okay, and headed back into his room; trying to figure out a spell for some mundane with much too big of dreams. 

* * *

"I'm telling you Catarina, this will not do." A Shadowhunter around the age of 20 stood in front of his closet, frowning down at the gear in front of him. 

"Magnus. We're just going to some Downworld party to make sure their not doing anything illegal." Another Shadowhunter stood behind him, pale blond hair falling past her ribs as she talked to him.

"Not just some party, Catarina! The High Warlock of Brooklyn's party. I heard he was a knockout, too." Magnus's golden eyes gleamed, and Catarina rolled her eyes. 

"Please don't tell me this is your latest celebrity crush, Magnus." He simply shrugged in reply, eyes twinkling mischievously.

"I guess we'll just have to see, hm?" 

* * *

 

"Izzy, why am I wearing this?" Alec questioned for the millionth time. He wore a button down, silk, dark purple shirt with a leather jacket over it, and tight, dark jeans.

"So sorry dear brother, but you are not wearing a hoodie to this party. Besides, you look fantastic." Isabelle smirked, and Alec glared. "Who knows? Maybe you'll meet someone.." She sang, and Alec bitterly laughed.

"Yeah, sure. I'm not the pretty one, you are." Alec reminded Izzy, and she simply shrugged but didn't reply.

The clock tolled for midnight, and Alec gulped. When he stepped out of his room, his apartment had been transformed. Instead of the gray walls and hardwood floors with a single couch and a modern kitchen, his apartment looked like a modern bar with a dancefloor in the middle of it. Different lights sprang from different corners of the room, changing what color the room was every twenty seconds or so. It all looked very impressive, and Alec smiled at Izzy.

"It looks great."

"I know." She said cockily, forked tongue flicking out of her lips for a moment. "Should I glamour my tongue?"

"No, keep yourself natural. Well, glamour wise." Alec amended, noticing the eyeliner and heavy eyeshadow along with a tight, red dress that dipped low at the chest. She just laughed slightly, but it was cut short by the sound of a buzzer. Guests had obviously arrived. Alec swallowed down his distaste and nervousness for the party, and let the guests in. 

When the first walked in, a confident smirk on tan skin, with shining golden eyes, Alec stopped dead. 

Until he saw the runes curling around his collar blade and neck.

 


	2. Strange Nephilim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all the suggestions last chap! It's made writing this and creating chap outlines so much easier! <3

_Shadowhunter_.

The thought of the word left a surprisingly bitter taste in Alec's mouth as he stared at the four Nephilim standing in his apartment. All of them looked wary and untrusting besides the one with the golden eyes. He simply grinned, taking in his surroundings with a sort of mischievous gleam to his eyes.

"So, where can I get a drink?" He finally broke the silence, a smirk lingering on his lips. Isabelle smiled at him, pointing to what used to be Alec's kitchen.

"What would you like?" She asked good-naturedly, and the boy shrugged. He didn't have the same demeanor as the other Shadowhunters Alec had encountered over the years. Much more care-free, it almost seemed. Almost being the key word. It took a trained eye, but Alec could notice when someone was mixing a little bit of a lie in with the truth.

"Cocktail?" The strange Nephilim finally answered Izzy's question.

"Flavor?" She questioned, and Magnus winked.

"Surprise me."

Izzy giggled a bit, and snapped her fingers. A pink cocktail appeared, and he eyed it appreciatively. Alec watched the whole affair with interest. Most Nephilim wouldn't even touch a drink created by a Downworlder; let alone drink it willingly.

The Shadowhunter's companions watched with varying levels of emotion. A woman with almost-white blond hair and bright blue eyes watched with mild amusement and exasperation. Her expression almost seemed the equivalent to her saying:

_There he goes again._

The other two were also male that held similar expressions of irritation, as if they were quite tired of the Nephilim before them. Alec could almost detect levels of fondness within the walls of irritation, but it was well hidden.

"Alexander Lightwood, correct?" The same strange Nephilim had suddenly turned to him, and Alec found himself swallowing thickly staring into those golden orbs.

"That's me." He answered simply, yet again thanking this century for its acceptance of simple sentences.

Izzy cast him a look, which Alec promptly ignored. She rolled her eyes and turned to the Shadowhunter.

"And you are?" She asked with a grin that he returned.

"Magnus. Magnus Bane." Alec resisted the urge to frown. Warlocks always had single syllable names, and he had been frowned upon for keeping his mundane mother's last name. Alec liked to think it was a way of remembering his past family, but really, it was a result of the grip they somehow still had on him. Even in death.

So the fact that a Nephilim had a warlock name simply wasn't fair.

"Charmed. Isabelle Lightwood, but most call me Izzy." Isabelle replied, shaking Alec out of his thoughts. Magnus's reply was drowned out by sudden noise as other guests poured in. Werewolves, and vampires, as well as a handful of the Fair Folk. It was strange that the Moon's Children and the Night's Children were tolerating each other, but they seemed fairly at ease. Not to mention the fact that a vamp and a wolf were arm in arm, laughing together. They were clearly friends, and Alec was curious as to how that ever happened.

The werewolf had bright red, curly ringlets that fell around her ribs, and clear green eyes that shone with the slight wildness that wolves always carried. Her companion the vampire had brown tousled hair, and dark brown eyes. He didn't seem to be very old-looking, and Alec briefly wondered if he was newly turned.

His eyes wandered from the strange pair, scanning the rest of the guests. He was so immersed, even, that he didn't notice the boy standing next to him until his voice was in his ear; smooth and yet raspy at the same time.

"Hey, blue eyes." Alec immediately stepped back, eyes flashing a darker blue that signaled slight alarm. Magnus stood, laughter in his eyes as he stared at Alec. Alec's eyes narrowed.

"What do you want?" He decided to go for the defensive route, crossing his arms and staring defiantly at the Shadowhunter.

Magnus didn't seem to take offence though. He shrugged his shoulders in sort of an apology.

"Just some company, perhaps?" Alec rolled his eyes at the comment.

"What sort of company would a Nephilim want with a warlock? Look, I'm not taking a job right now." Alec growled, and Magnus frowned.

"I see." Is all he said. Magnus didn't make any effort at trying to correct him, that he didn't want to get Alec to do anything. Just an 'I see.'

It was frustrating, and confusing, so Alec just spun on his heel and left. Alec hadn't had a mortal truly confuse him in over a century. Until Magnus Bane.

He disappeared into the party, nearly running into two other Downworlders.

"Sorry." He mumbled, ready to continue walking until he saw who it was. The same two from before, the werewolf and vampire befriended.

"No need." The werewolf said cheerfully, with a smile, but her expression changed when she saw Alec's flickering blues.

"Oh my god, your the High Warlock." She muttered, seemingly embarrassed. Alec shrugged.

"Just a title." He murmured, and she frowned.

"Well, I'm Clary Fairchild. This is Simon Lewis." She extended a hand, and Alec took it warily.

"Pleasure." He muttered, not knowing what to do. She smiled.

"Um, pardon if its intrusive, but how did a vampire and a werewolf become friends?" Despite the suddenness of the question, Clary simply smiled a bit; almost sadly.

"We were best friends for all our lives, but I was born a werewolf. Simon was recently turned." Her closed voice made it sound like she didn't want to say more. Alec respected that, so he gave a small nod and continued walking after a small:

"Nice to see the two species getting along."

 

The rest of the night was rather boring, in Alec's perspective. He had mostly kept to the back, politely speaking to some of the guests and politely declining any offers of 'fun'.

Well, mostly politely.

He was forced to use a bit of magic when a particularly persistent vampire tried to get him to go with her.

Self defense, really.

 

Towards the end of the night nothing illegal had occurred, and the Nephilim didn't seem worried about anything going on. The other two that had gone with Magnus and the woman, Catarina, were apparently Ragnor Fell and Raphael Santiago; both talented Nephilim and also _parabatai._ Alec wondered briefly if they had bonded mostly over a mutual distaste for Magnus. He wanted to know the story behind Raphael and Ragnor's bonding, the biggest thing they seemed to have in common was standing in a corner and looking irritated together.

Shadowhunter relationships were complex anyways, Alec mused. 

When guests started filing out at around 5 AM, Alec was exhausted and plenty happy that New York's Downworld wasn't in suspicion any longer. 

The four Nephilim were the last to leave. Ragnor and Raphael barely waved on their way out, Catarina smiled kindly and said thank you, but Magnus stayed.

He turned to Alec with a heart-stopping, light-up-the-world grin.

"See you around, blue eyes." With that, he walked out of Alec's apartment; whistling off-tune.

And Alec honestly wasn't sure if anyone had impacted him like that in at least over a century. And under five hours, at that. 

"See you around, Magnus." Alec finally whispered, but the strange Nephilim was long gone.


	3. Darling

It was perhaps the 1920s when Alec realized just how much he dreaded the mornings.

Beforehand he had gotten up early enough to watch the sunrise; and loved doing so.

Alec had suspicions that it was the loud speakeasies that always seemed to take place next to his apartment that started his late sleeping habits.

Especially after a party. Or even, the week after a party. Any time zone relatively close to a party, and Alec was sleeping much later than usual. A routine he enjoyed.

So when his buzzer rang, _at 7:00 in the morning_ , Alec was considering where the best place to hide the body of his intruder would be.

So when he opened his door, in nothing but loose sweatpants and a deadly glare, and saw Magnus Bane on his doorstep? With a wide smile on his perfectly made up face as he said,

"Alexander!" _cheerfully?_

Alec slammed the door on his face.

And promptly walked back into his room, with eyes pitch black. He also promptly ignored the protests from Magnus. Promptly doing things seemed to be a habit of that particular morning.

 

He got a few more hours of sleep before rising at a perfectly reasonable 10:00 AM to see what it was the Shadowhunter wanted. Alec snapped his fingers; briefly sending a fire message that had something along the lines of:

_What do you want?_

It was short, sweet, and to the point. Even if, granted, slightly rude.

But, at the moment, Alec was still only halfway through his cup of coffee; and couldn't be bothered to care much.

 

The mornings were always his only time of rest before his half-sister and adopted brother intruded on his home. Alec loved them dearly, but he still valued solitude and time to himself. Each had their own house; but felt the need to live in his most of the time. They claimed that because he was the High Warlock of Brooklyn he had, to put it in their words,

'The sweetest digs.'

Well, it was a drunk Jace's words from the 80s. Alec had complained about him crashing his apartment at 2:00 in the morning, and Jace had had his best 'hippie' voice as he proclaimed:

"C'mon man, your place has the sweetest digs."

It was a hilarious incident that neither Izzy nor Alec would let Jace forget.

Blackmail certainly piled up when you were immortal.

 

Speaking of siblings, Izzy suddenly came walking down the stairs, messy-haired and grumpy-looking.

"When did you get here?" Alec questioned with an arched brow. Isabelle shrugged.

"Dunno, maybe..." She held up her fingers, counting. A frown made its way onto Alec's face; she only acted this way if something happened. "Maybe three? Four?"

Alec patted the seat next to him on the couch, and she immediately curled up next to her brother and fellow warlock.

"Iz... What happened?" She shook her head, burying her face in his shoulder; and Alec immediately saw the girl before this strong, powerful Izzy. He was reminded of days where she would tug on his sleeve and look with fearful eyes at her surroundings.

He remembered the day their parents died, and Izzy staring wide eyed with tears streaming down her face; but not making a sound.

_"Brother. Why didn't we die with them?"_

Her voice then had been shaky, lip trembling as they both stared numbly at the grave that held their parents.

 

_"I'll tell you another time."_

 

Alec still remembered her, that sort of broken Izzy. The woman who had spoken like a child that day, and Alec had immediately felt a strong need to protect. Even if now she was confident, and strong, he still remembered that shattered expression. The face of a person who had realized that they were not going to die.

 

Despite Isabelle's obvious growth, Alec still couldn't shake the image of her dark, empty eyes, the way she had clutched at his sleeve like he was her only anchor as reality set in. So it was times like this, when Isabelle curled next to him but didn't say anything, that Alec had that same protectiveness wash over him. He simply ran his fingers through her hair absentmindedly. The act calmed her, as it has calmed her centuries ago, and Isabelle fell into a somber sleep.

  
It was about an hour later when Alec finally got a reply from the blasted Nephilim. Isabelle had still been asleep when the buzzer alarmed them both of the sound of a visitor, and neither were in the mood for interactions.

"High Warlock?" Instead of the smooth, accented voice of Magnus he had expected, there was a distinctly female sound. Alec disentangled himself from the now-awake Izzy and went to the door.

"That would be me."

The woman that had been with Magnus the other night, Catarina he believed, stood on the threshold.

"Mr. Lightwood-"

"Alec." He murmured, more on instinct than anything else. After everything that had happened, Alec still associated 'Mr. Lightwood' with his father. It was the phrase that most used to address Robert, and Alec hated it when anyone called him by the same name.

"Alec, then. I suppose you want to know why Magnus was standing outside your apartment at seven." Catarina sounded slightly amused, as if Magnus's antics were nothing new to her.

"Sure." Alec muttered dismissively, waiting for her to get to the point. He grew tired of those who spent their time working words around rather than simply speaking what needed to be spoken.

"Do you know anything about memory spells?" Catarina's voice was tentative, the words carefully making their way out of her mouth. Alec raised his eyebrow.

"Yes. Do you need to remember anything?" That was usually the request, at least from the typical mundane. However Catarina shook her head with a sad smile.

"The opposite, actually. Magnus wants to forget." Alec could practically feel his eyes pale slightly, shifting from a neutral sky blue to the cold blue of ice.

"No." Alec growled, about to shut the door. Catarina held up a hand, her face pleading.

"Please. He needs it." At that, Alec laughed bitterly.

"I needed it about two centuries ago." A face flashed before his eyes, blond bouncing curls and gleaming green eyes against pale skin. Catarina looked desperate then, searching as if she could find something, anything that could change his mind.

"Please. It's about.. A vampire, someone you may know." Alec thought for a moment.

"Is it a stubborn bastard with black hair and blue eyes?" Catarina shook her head, no doubt confused. "Stubborn bastard with blond hair and gold eyes?" She shook her head again, impatience obviously wearing thin. Izzy snickered behind them, however, knowing exactly who he was referencing.

"It's about a vampire named Camille Belcourt."

Alec paled considerably, his eyes flashing from white to black to blue again, and he took a step back. And another. He didn't seem to hear her worried cries of his name, could only hear that same voice. That voice that floated through his hears like smoke, and poisoned his brain and heart. Alec could see her vividly, those blond curls and mischievous green eyes.

_"Alec, darling.."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops they both have history with Camille how did that happen...  
> If it bothers you that Alec does have history with her, let me ease your conscience before you start waving the 'Alec is gay' signs. I will explain their relationship next chapter, but as a sort of peace: it never included anything sexual as Alec was obviously not interested.  
> Magnus, on the other hand...  
> (Guys I get to write a sad Magnus because he didn't have the years to comfort him about Camille guysguysguys the potential for angst is killing me)  
> Do I love writing angst?  
> Maybe a bit too much...  
> What can I say? I'm honestly good at writing tortured emotions rather than ones of happiness.  
> Anyways, just want to thank you all for the wonderful feedback! Especially @slyvir and @TheLittleBlackCap for suggestions and without @slyvir the potential of Alec and Camille's past relationship never would have crossed my mind seriously. :)


	4. Thanks for the Memories

_"Isabelle, why am I always dragged to these things?" Alec complained, staring dubiously at his sister clothed in one of the heavy dresses of the time. He himself was in a charcoal suit, something Isabelle had forced him into. She turned to her brother, dark curls bouncing in their updo as she grinned._

_"Come along, won't you? It's already started!" Was all she had said in response, hiking up her skirts and heading towards the building._

_It was the late 1800s, somewhere in 1879, and Alec Lightwood had somehow let his sister drag him to yet another party. The last one had been celebrating America's strange little rebellion; and had ended up with Alec throwing up excessively._

_He stood in front of the entrance to a large, obviously abandoned building, frowning characteristically. The building wasn't used for anything besides ridiculous parties it seemed, as strange lights filtered in from the holes in the rock._

_Alec stepped inside, squinting slightly. The room was dimly-lit, and Isabelle had disappeared. This sort of crowd only occurred in the darker parts of London; with rogue vampires, ifrits and the few werewolves lurking about with dazed smiles on their faces._

_Isabelle had dragged him to an opium den._

_Alec groaned out loud, about to leave when someone caught his eye. It was a woman, but she sat in the back with a book in her hands and an amused expression. Women didn't usually catch Alec's eye, but he noticed her eyes didn't hold the same glazed over expression as the rest of the party guests._

_Instead the green orbs spoke of intelligence, spoke of books and wit. It intrigued Alec, and he made his way over, before remembering he was awful at socializing._

_However, the woman, now clearly a vampire, had noticed him. Her eyes traveled slowly up and down Alec, taking him in. His eyes flashed an uncertain icy blue, and she chuckled._

_"And you are?" Her voice was smooth, yet intoxicating in the way that it seemed to float into his ears. Almost like smoke._

_He could clearly tell that she was beautiful, although it didn't have an effect on him. Not the way the clear intelligence in her eyes did._

_"I'm, uh. I'm Alec." He stuttered, but she simply smirked a bit and held out a delicate, pale hand that briefly reminded him of porcelain._

_"Camille Belcourt."_

 

  
"Alec, come on. Wake up." Izzy's familiar voice drifted into his unconciousness, breaking him from the memories. He looked up at her, and she bit her lip worriedly.

"What happened?" Alec winced at her demanding tone. He had hinted at his previous encounters with Camille, but never actually told Isabelle what had transpired between them. The warlock hated hiding things from her, but it was that same protection instinct. Alec still felt the strong need to shelter Izzy, so the thought of her knowing Alec had been weak so easily.. It unsettled him.

"Just bad memories, Iz. Where's the Shadowhunter?" Alec glanced lazily around at his surroundings. He was laying in his plain gray bedroom, and noticed the lack of Catarina.

"She went home, saying send a fire message on how you were doing and if you'd.. Reconsidered." Alec suppressed a groan, memory spells were tricky. He certainly didn't want anyone to forget an essential part of their lives that could help them grow. He understood the want to get rid of certain memories, especially about Camille.

Alec had already spent enough  time battling with the temptation to forget.

 

_"Camille?" He repeated, probably sounding like an idiot. But the vampire simply chuckled._

_"Yes?" She teased, and Alec smiled a bit._

_"Jokes aside, what are you doing here, Alec?" Camille purred, patting the seat besides her. Alec rolled his eyes a bit, after taking the offered seat._

_"Siblings." Was all he offered, and at that Camille giggled._

_"They can be tedious, I suppose." She murmured, running her fingertips lightly over the cover of her book. It was a gesture Alec was familiar with, the same motion he did when he wanted to continue reading._

_"What book is that?" Alec blurted, but Camille simply smiled fondly._

_"Oliver Twist. One of my favorites." Alec was grateful for a subject he was well-versed in: books._

_"A classic, I've always liked it better than A Tale of Two Cities." Alec muttered thoughtfully, and Camille laughed._

_"Really? But the characters in Cities are diverse!" She proclaimed, and Alec raised an eyebrow._

_"So are the ones in Oliver!" He cried indignantly, but there was amusement in both their eyes. There was something about it, arguing playfully over Dickens._

_Even if it all seemed sort of restrained._

 

Catarina had come back once he had sent his fire message saying he was fine, just minor shock. She stood pacing in his living room now, trying to reason with the ever-stoic Alec Lightwood.

"Please, why won't you help him?" She pleaded for what seemed like the 500th time. "He loves to stare at the wall, and doesn't say much of anything anymore." Alec frowned at her, these were all normal symptoms of heartbreak; although it didn't seem normal to her.

"Catarina, have you asked Magnus why he wants to forget?" His voice was gentle, and Isabelle sent him a surprised glance. The woman stopped her pacing at that, turning to stare at him.

"No." She admitted, looking down. "He's had his heart broken before, but never reacted like this. Camille did something to him, Alec. It's seriously messing with his mind." She went on, and Alec found himself releasing a short, bitter laugh.

"Magnus wouldn't be the only one she did that to." He growled, and Catarina looked at him with surprise coloring her blue eyes.

"Did you have encounters with her as well?" She questioned, and Alec shrugged.

"A few."

 

_The night went on like that, exchanging book ideas and thoughts. It had been ages since Alec had been able to freely talk to someone about books, someone who was intelligent enough to understand._

_When the time came for both to leave, Alec strangely felt a pang of sadness._

_"Farewell, Camille Belcourt." Alec said with a smile tugging at him lips. She giggled lightly at that._

_"Always so stoic, Alec Lightwood." She then leaned closer, kissing him on the cheek and laughing at his shocked expression._

_"Contact me." She whispered in his ear, before flouncing away; her high laugh still piercing the night air._

_Alec touched his cheek, but it did not feel warm. He had enjoyed his time with Camille, but never felt any sort of a physical attraction towards her. It had always been that way with women, it seemed._

_Alec hadn't really fallen in love, he'd mostly just watch from the sidelines while Isabelle flirted her way through everything. He also was the one to hold her when her mortal lover at that time died, to soothe her relentless tears. The sight of Izzy like that, so broken and vulnerable?_

_It made Alec never want to fall in love._

 

"Did you know of Magnus and Camille's relationship or whatever it was?" Alec inquired, and Catarina threw her hands up.

"He never told me a thing, the flea-bitten, treacherous-"

"Now now Cat, you know you love me." Magnus stood in Alec's doorway, an easy smile gracing his features. 

Or at least, it could have been easy. If it didn't seem forced, to a trained eye, that is.

 

Alec immediately looked at him with narrowed eyes, and Magnus held up hands in apology.

"I do apologize, Alexander. I hadn't known you were sleeping." Magnus explained, biting his lip a bit. Alec laughed despite himself, extending a hand.

"Sorry for slamming a door in your face." Alec muttered. It was Magnus's turn to chuckle, and he shook the offered hand.

"I should have saw it coming." For a moment golden eyes met a deep blue, the amusement fading slightly in both pairs of eyes; and Alec gulped dryly.

The sound of someone clearing their throat broke the gaze, and Alec suddenly found his drab carpet very interesting. 

"Ahem. As much as seeing you two fall for each other is interesting, I believe there was a matter to discuss." Isabelle's amused tone shattered anything left of the moment between him and Magnus, and Alec flushed darkly. 

Magnus simply chuckled, murmuring something about 'I suppose even eternity can't lessen one's ability to be embarrassed'. Isabelle giggled in agreement, and Alec just wanted to throw a shoe at both of them.

Or a ball of magical fire.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally going to be a lot longer and sadder but I'm. Tired. And. Want. To. Sleep.  
> So I split this chapter into two parts! The next will be titled:  
> Even if they Weren't So Great.  
> (Do you guys get it? The chapter titles? )  
> I'm done with my failing attempts at humor you guys, someone save me from these dreadfully dry jokes XD


	5. Even if They Weren't So Great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor trigger warning for Camille being an asshole :,)  
> Small Reminder: You all are amazing and I'm so happy even one of you are taking the time to read this *hugs*

_"Darling, why are you so tense?" Camille was laid atop Alec, smirking at him seductively._

_The gesture didn't do much besides make him more uncomfortable._

_It was always like this, when Camille wanted to take things further. Alec felt an overwhelming sense of discomfort, but besides that he didn't feel anything. Alec literally felt numb, and uncomfortable. He could appreciate that Camille was beautiful, but besides that? Alec wasn't even sure he was attracted to her._

_He and Camille had been speaking for a year now, exchanging meetings and simply talking. Their meetings had become one of Alec's most-looked forward things of his week, and he wondered if Camille felt the same. With her sharp-eyed gaze and clear intelligence, she was able to keep up with Alec's ramblings about books. It was relaxing, and easy. Conversations with her were fluid, with witty exchanges that held quite a bit of laughter. She could always keep up with him when he talked, always understood with that brisk, almost amused nod. Alec could shove aside the nagging thoughts telling him he wasn't attracted to her, focusing on whatever book they were discussing at the time._

_He reasoned that every person had their ups and downs, and attraction came later. Even if he himself had proved that it didn't, throughout the centuries. Flings were not something Alec did often, he had only done it perhaps twice; which Isabelle claimed was awfully strange for a warlock. But both times it had been with a boy._

_Alec shook his head, returning to the present. He tried to shake off the growing feeling of discomfort as Camille kissed him, trying to focus on their nights of talking and laughing he remembered. The time before she had tried to move on him everytime they saw each other. Alec buried all his doubts, all his lack of attraction, and thought:_

_If this isn't love, then I'll never know what is._

 

 

Alec stood outside on his apartment's balcony, staring at the newly-turned night sky. Pale moonlight flitted down in streaks across his face as he stared, contemplating the day's actions.

Catarina had left a few hours ago, a busy expression on her face and muttering something about healing duty. Magnus, however, had remained. He had stayed to try to convince Alec to rid him of his memories, and it had all ended up in an argument.

_"Please, Alec you don't understand.." Magnus pleaded, and Alec glared at him challengingly._

_"Oh? I don't understand? Well, Shadowhunter," Alec spat the word, anger strangely rising quicker than usual, "I'm sure I've lived through worse." Magnus stared at him, a darkness coloring his features._

_"You haven't lived through Camille Belcourt." Magnus's voice was haunted. Alec's jaw tightened._

_"I said no, Magnus." Alec gritted his teeth, walking into his room; slamming the door and ignoring the strange expression on Magnus's face._

 

Alec had come out onto the balcony to think, and it always held a strangely tranquil atmosphere. The peace seemed like another atmosphere, and Alec always escaped here after memories ran rampant in his brain.

He knew Magnus was still in his apartment, somewhere, but Alec couldn't care much. He didn't want to fight anymore, didn't want to think of Camille.

So he had come to this balcony, this dimly lit place that always seemed like it was covered in glass; easily broken but covered enough to create a different atmosphere. He leaned against the railing, staring forward to look at the stars twinkling against the sky.

"Alexander." A smooth, lightly accented voice caused Alec's eyes to briefly flick over, but he didn't turn. At first Alec worried that the glass would shatter, break, unable to accommodate this new being in its tranquility.

However, it only seemed to swallow the Nephilim, as if he as well belonged in this place. Magnus walked up, but not his usually confident stride. He simply walked, next to Alec and setting his elbows on the railing. Magnus turned his gaze to the sky, and Alec noticed with a start that he looked different.

His expression didn't hold the smirk, the constant smug expression Alec had come to associate with the boy. Instead, a small, almost wistful smile toyed with the edges of his mouth. Alec noticed that he wasn't wearing any make up, the only thing left on his face being a small shimmer of glitter. This Magnus didn't seem guarded, or forced. He seemed.. Real.

"Your staring." Magnus hummed, and he didn't say it in an accusing way. He almost seemed faintly amused.

"Sorry." Alec muttered, glancing down for a moment with flushed cheeks. He knew they shouldn't be calm like this, they should talk about the previous argument. But that sort of conversation almost seemed like it would make the glass that Alec protected shatter.

So, instead, he kept staring out at the night, enjoying this pocket of time where it seemed serene.

"I don't mind." Magnus murmured, and he almost seemed like he was going to add something; but stopped. They stayed like that for a while, silent but not uncomfortably so.

"Magnus?" Alec said after a while, and Magnus made a noncommittal noise. Alec took it as a 'Hm?' and continued, "What did Camille do to you?" He whispered, saying the last part lowly. Magnus turned then, staring Alec in the face.

Alec's breath hitched. Their faces were a few inches away from each other, it was close enough to feel Magnus's breath on his lips. But besides their proximity, what really startled Alec?

Magnus's eyes.

Alec had been alive for centuries. He had seen people die, seen people break down in sobs and he had seen people commit suicide. But throughout these painful situations, Alec had never stopped and just looked at someone straight in the eye.

If he did, perhaps he would've seen the agony that was portrayed in Magnus's gold irises. Perhaps he would've seen the clear mental torment etched into them, carved by a knife of grief. He could have seen the pain, the complete and utter pain that lay in the golden depths. Pain that Camille caused.

Alec wanted to take a step back, to stop and think, to mull over the situation like he would usually do. But the pain in those eyes flickered for a moment, and Alec noticed the glass around them seemed to grow thinner. Everything seemed to hang, standing still. The only thing still moving was them, the two outlined by moonlight. Alec noticed offhandedly if he simply moved his head an inch, they would kiss. The thought made his cheeks flush.

Magnus's lips parted then, intending to make a sound and Alec almost stopped him. He almost waved his arms, about to point to the nonexistent glass. He was terrified if they spoke, then this fragile peace would shatter, dragging them back to chaos.

But Magnus said it so softly, whispered it as if it were a secret. As if the warlock and the Shadowhunter alone in the dim lighting needed to be quiet,as if the two that barely knew each other standing alone was wrong, somehow. But when he spoke, the words causing air to lightly brush Alec's lips, nothing broke.

"What did Camille do to _you,_ Alec?"

Magnus whispered, and shock stilled Alec. Alec had hidden Camille from everyone he knew, to protect them. The thought that someone could so easily guess the secret he had hid from everyone unraveled Alec. He moved his mouth to form an answer, a denial and then-

And then the door slammed open.

 

* * *

 

_"I grow tired of this, Alec." Camille murmured, but it came out as more of a growl. She was on him, and Alec still wouldn't kiss her back with the same fervor that she did. "When will you touch me back?" She whispered it next to his ear, and he shivered, but not because of her ministrations._

_"Camille, I'm- Camille?" Alec whispered, the sound laced with fear. The woman had knelt down, and was kissing his neck, but something white glinted at the edge of her mouth._

_Fangs._

_She bit down, and Alec's eyes immediately went white, the blue barely even recognizable. The sickening sound of sucking blood filled the room, and Alec resisted the urge to throw up._

_"Camille, please. Stop." Alec feebly pushed her, but she just growled and continued. "Camille, if I'd known you were hungry we could have just gotten blood at the diner downtown-"_

_She finally detached herself, and smirked up at him. "No, darling. I've been waiting a while for that." Alec felt sick, and scrabbled to get up._

_"Did you- did you only do this-" He gestured between them, "For blood?" She seemed to ignore him, licking her lips._

_"Mm, warlock blood. It's so powerful darling, sends a thrill."_

_Alec had told her things, told her about how his parents had died and he had to protect Izzy and Jace. She had listened attentively, nodding when needed with those gleaming, intelligent eyes._

_But those verdant irises, always so clear and intelligent?_

_Now they were glazed, glazed over with hunger and lust._

_"Camille. Did you ever even love me?" Alec whispered again, and she glanced up this time, taking in his betrayed expression with something akin to amusement._

_"Alec.." She chided, as if he were a petulant child, "You can't think I did. You rejected every one of my advances. I don't think you were in love yourself, my dear." Alec wished she would stop using pet names, as if it softened the blow he felt. The betrayal, the knowledge that whatever they had, it wasn't real._

_Something dangled from her throat, the ruby necklace Alec had given her months ago. To keep her safe, to remind her that he was always in touch. She had giggled when he offered it to her, which should have been a warning to him. It should have alarmed him that she never actually wanted him._

_Instead it just made him smile faintly, like it was just typical Camille._

_Now Alec knew his bitter mistake. She followed his gaze, and laughed softly._

_"When you gave me this, I almost thought perhaps my theory was wrong." She clicked her tongue, and Alec raised an eyebrow, curious despite himself._

_"What theory?" He growled, hating the way his voice shook. When Camille looked at him again, it was full of pity._

_"That you're unable to love, my dear."_

_Alec stopped for a moment, and stared. Memories flashed through his brain, Camille taking his hand and him tensing, how he hated her kisses. How had the thought not passed his mind before? Surely he would have been fine with her advances earlier if he could, in fact love?_

_"And, of course, one that cannot love can't be loved, isn't it true?" Camille murmured softly, pity in her eyes as she looked at Alec._

_Everything around him shattered. People had looked at him in every which way, but not in the way that she looked at him now. Camille's gaze took him in with pity, as if something was wrong with him, so dreadfully wrong. Like he was a broken toy._

_Alec sank back, onto his knees, staring a head with a numbed expression as the truth set in. Emptiness swallowed him, darkness weaving it's way throughout his veins._

_Camille tutted dismissively, unclasping the necklace from around her neck and dropping it into Alec's lap. Alec stared at it, empty, as a single sentence wound its way through the darkness that was his mind. A single sentence was all he heard even as Camille walked away, just one line repeating, over and over._

_I can never love, and no one will ever love me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I'm sort of proud? Like this chapter came out really well. I loved writing that scene between Magnus and Alec, writing that sort of fragile, uncertain mood was super fun. I think it came out alright, drop your thoughts about it into the comments!  
> Also, hands up for the murder Camille Committee?   
> :3


	6. Herondales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so if your reading this and have only seen the show or have only read the Mortal Instruments, I'm introducing a character that isn't in either, since they are in the Infernal Devices series. My apologies if it confuses you, and I'm just hoping to god I got the character right :,)

The glass around them shattered immediately. Alec sprang apart from Magnus like a spooked cat, sheepishly scratching the back of his head.

He schooled his expression into the traditional High Warlock scowl, and turned towards the intruder, expecting an enemy.

What he got was a head of tousled black hair, luminously pale skin and eyes blue as the sea.

"Bloody hell Lightwood, your apartment's a mess- Huh. Isn't _that_ interesting." William Herondale, friend of centuries, or rather pain in the ass for centuries, stood in his doorway, a smirk playing at his lips. He and Alec had known each other for hundreds of years, and we're friends, despite both of them denying it. "Really Alec? A Shadowhunter?" He leaned against the frame, completely and utterly comfortable like he owned the place. Alec glared at him.

"What are you doing here, Will?" He growled, ignoring the amusement dancing in the vampire's eyes.

"Well, I came to speak to you about urgent matters but frankly, this is far more entertaining." Will grinned crookedly. Alec rolled his eyes, crossing his arms with a sigh.

"Um, Alexander, who's this?" Magnus spoke, with an arched brow. Alec started to speak, but Will caught him.

" _Alexander_? Well, I'll be damned. The last person who called you that got turned into a charming toad." Will remarked, raising an eyebrow in Alec's direction.

"I certainly hope not. The warts would mess up my complexion." Magnus mused, looking back at Will with a challenge in his gaze. Alec gaped at him. Will was overwhelming, brash and more than a little rude. The fact that Magnus had replied to his remark so coolly was surprising, and Alec found himself fighting a smile.

Will simply grinned, turning to Alec.

"I like this one. Keep him, will you?" Alec rolled his eyes yet again, but Magnus simply chuckled at Will's comment.

"Honestly, Herondale, what are you doing here besides messing up my personal life?" Alec had slipped into the usual banter between he and Will, and didn't even realize his mistake until he was red as a tomato. "I mean-"

"So, the Nephilim's _personal_ now, hmm?" Will smirked, and Magnus politely raised a hand.

"I have a name, in case you'd like to know. Magnus Bane, best Shadowhunter in New York and Scrabble champion." He extended a hand towards Will, who took it with an incredulous expression.

"Will Herondale, sort of member of the New York clan and Charades champion." Alec snorted at the exchange, but Magnus only raised an eyebrow.

"Sort of member?"

"They can't handle all this charm in one concentrated area." Will winked, and Alec groaned.

"What he means is, Will used to be the leader until.." Alec trailed off, realizing his mistake as the vampire's face tightened. Their eyes met, a word unspoken lying between them. Or rather, a name.

The moment passed quickly, however, and Will was grinning again. Magnus looked between them with a confused frown, looking at Alec with a question in his eyes. But Alec simply shook his head, as if to say 'Not right now'.

"As fun as all this is, Alexander, you are actually needed. Surprising, I know." Will went on how he usually did, briskly. Brushing off any tension like it never even happened. That was only one of the places where Jace and Will, despite bearing the same last name, were different. Jace could hold tension and keep it there, while Will tried as hard as he could to be rid of it.

"What is it?" Alec shook off his thoughts, turning back to Will.

"There's been a, ah.. Disturbance. Between the Moon and Night Children." Will explained, and Alec frowned.

"Shouldn't the Shadowhunters be handling it?" Alec asked, but immediately regretted his choice of words as Magnus tensed.

"They're already there." Will confirmed, obviously ignoring the small bit of tension.

"What about Iz, and Jace?" The warlocks thoughts were quickly centered in on his siblings, but Will just waved a hand flippantly.

"The lovely Isabelle is there. My insufferable descendant? Also there." Will supplied, eyes darkening at the thought of Jace. Alec always thought it was ironic, the thought that the two that shared a last name and quite a bit of their personalities hated each other.

"And can you clarify exactly where 'there' is?" Magnus spoke up, and Will shrugged.

"At the hotel Dumort. Now, can we go?" Will asked impatiently, and Alec nodded with a snap of his fingers. A portal appeared, and Will looked at it with disdain.

"I'll never understand the strange voodoo you do so often." He claimed, and Alec, used to this argument, just pushed him  a little.

"Just get in the portal Will."

When the three emerged, it was easily clear there was high tension. Will walked forward with a confident smile on his face, whistling off-key.

Alec shook his head a bit. Even after all the centuries he had known him, William Herondale still didn't make much sense.

"What's going on here?" Alec demanded, stepping forward with his best 'High Warlock' voice. A vampire turned to him with a glare. Alec recognized her as Jessamine, a lovesick, twisted girl.

"These sniveling dogs came into our territory, and are upset because one of their stupid little pups got hurt." She growled, and Alec resisted an eye roll.

"So, basically a normal dispute?" He questioned, and she scoffed at him but didn't say anything else.

"Why was I needed here?" Alec inquired, staring out at the scene around him. Werewolves that were changing had their hackles raised, glaring down at the crowd of hissing vampires. A small group of Shadowhunters were watching warily, and Alec noticed Magnus had joined them. Isabelle and Jace were leaning against a tree, clearly bored.

Catarina walked over to Magnus, worry plain in her face.

"We summoned you because, well, they aren't acting right. The vampires attacked a werewolf child without being provoked, he was barely a pinkie in their territory. And look closely, at their eyes. The vampires don't look normal." She whispered, in an urgent tone that Alec associated with that of a healer. He took another glance towards the vampires, and voiced their eyes were different. Instead of normal, different colored orbs; all held a sickly sort of green gaze.

Alec frowned. "Will." He called, and the vampire came sauntering over.

"Couldn't stay away?" 

"Just listen, will you? Look at their eyes." Alec murmured, and Will, surprisingly, obliged.

"See, this is why they need me." Will remarked casually, and Alec could have slapped him.

"Shut up, vampire."

"You know you love me." Will grinned, and Alec just glared.

"So, what's the plan?" Will murmured, suddenly all seriousness. Alec contemplated for a moment.

"Do we think we could convince one to come with us so I can cast a spell to see what's going on?" Alec asked, and Will shrugged.

"I doubt anyone would be convinced by _you_ , but you could try the Magnus boy. He seems fun." Will added with a slight smirk. Alec just, once again, rolled his eyes.

"I can be very convincing." Alec protested, and Will raised an eyebrow.

"Go ahead, try. Impress me, warlock." Will smirked.

"Prepare to choke on blood, vampire." Alec growled back, and Will was about to speak before Catarina glared at both.

"Girls, girls your both pretty. I'm going to go get Magnus." Catarina said tiredly, going over to the other Shadowhunter.

"Well, frankly I'm offended." Will muttered, and Alec squinted at him. "I'm much prettier than you." He stated, and Alec snorted.

"In your dreams, Herondale." 

Catarina came back over, Magnus in tow.

"So, what exactly do I have to do?" Magnus questioned, and Alec turned to Will.

"It was your idea to get Magnus, you tell him what to do." Alec reasoned, and Will shot him a glare. Alec smiled sweetly back, and he just turned back to Magnus.

"Go.. Convince one of those vampires, preferably female, to go home with you." Will shrugged. Alec stared at him.

"What? They're never going to fall for it if Magnus flirts with a damn vampire!" Alec hissed, but Will just looked at him with amusement.

"What." Alec growled.

"Nothing, nothing." Will just waved his hand a little with a shrug. Alec sighed, prepared to tell Magnus he didn't have to, when he saw it. Magnus with his arms snaked around a vampire's waist, murmuring into her ear. 

Alec wasn't sure why it enraged him so much. He didn't know this coursing, white-hot feeling in his veins. Magnus leaned over to peck the girl on the lips, and Alec felt like he was going to throw up. He tried to look away but was glued to the picture, Magnus whispering into her ear and making her giggle. He pressed trailing kisses down her neck, and Alec finally looked away. 

"I'll, I'm gonna.." He muttered, jaw tightening.

It was as he was leaving when Magnus decided it was a good idea to come back, girl in tow. He noticed Alec leaving, and frowned.

"Alexander?" He sounded worried, but Alec just waved him off.

"They didn't need a warlock here anyway, Magnus." Alec continued walking, shoving his hands into the terribly baggy hoodie and not turning back. He didn't look back to see Magnus frowning, confused, or Will, with a strange expression on his face that spoke of almost grim satisfaction. 

Alec didn't look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. It was kind of a filler I'm sorry, but it was needed for what is to come. Any fellow Will Herondale lovers because he was my favorite consistently throughout the Infernal Devices. Complex characters have me weak at the knees tbh  
> I hope I wrote him right, I feel like it was okay but lemme know!


	7. Fond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so sorry this took so long! I was so, so tired and collapsed everytime I started to write this..  
> It's dialogue heavy, so my apologies, but also there's a hell of a lot more Malec in this than the last one :)

It was about five steps later when Alec started to regret walking away. He grit his teeth, inner forces fighting with him. On the one hand, his natural duty-bound self screamed at him to go back and apologize, whilst on the other he just didn't want to see their faces after they had seen him just walk away.

Alec stood there in an alleyway, for perhaps a minute or maybe an hour, when footsteps crunched lightly on the dirt behind him. Expecting Will, Alec turned to snap at the vampire, when his eyes met gold instead of blue.

"Jace." Alec murmured resignedly, not meeting the eyes of his friend and adoptive brother.

"What happened back there?" Jace's voice wasn't unkind, but it wasn't entirely gentle either. Alec simply shrugged, his boot scuffing the dirt.

"C'mon, Alec. I know you, and that wasn't you. Your way too duty-bound to ever leave a job." Jace reasoned, stepping closer to his brother.

"First time for everything." Alec murmured weakly, his eyes a slightly darker, sadder type of blue.

"Not for you." Jace stood next to Alec, looking at him with a question in his eyes.

"Was it because of that Nephilim, Magnus?" He said it softly, and Alec almost flinched. No one could see through him easier than Jace, and most of the time it was more of a curse than a blessing.

With a resigned sigh, Alec sank to the floor of the alley, back against a building. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold anything from Jace for long, and talking to the vampire always had helped. Jace, after a moments hesitation, followed suit.

"It's been weird, these past few days." Alec murmured, and Jace raised an eyebrow at the sudden change in direction.

"How so?"

"Well," Alec began, looking at his shoes again. They were very interesting today, apparently. "The Shadowhunters. They seem.. Different." Alec said it vaguely, but Jace could decipher the smaller messages beneath the few word choices.

"I haven't been around much, care to elaborate?" Jace pushed, just a bit. It was something he had learned Alec needed, small or big pushes depending on the conversation.

"They just.. They don't look at me and spit 'Warlock' like its poison." Alec said it softly, so softly Jace could barely hear. And slowly, Jace opened his mouth to push again, but harder this time.

"Do you mean 'He'?" Jace asked, waiting for Alec's reaction. He expected him to close up immediately, and snap at Jace. The way he used to, when Jace had first come into their lives. Instead, Alec just sighed, as if relieving himself of something.

"Maybe." Alec murmured, and Jace grinned.

"C'mon, let's go. They did need a warlock, you know."

 

 

The two had walked back, much to the startled looks of everyone around. To Alec's surprise, everyone was still present, including the vampire girl. But she was looking bored, and trailing lines up and down Magnus's arm. Magnus didn't pull away, only winked at her.

Alec resisted the weird urge to growl and snapped his fingers, the vampire girl immediately collapsing into Magnus's arms. She was unconscious, and would stay that way.

"Sorry." He mumbled, and gauged the expressions of everyone around him. Izzy looked suspicious, Will smirked knowingly, Magnus seemed perplexed, Catarina seemed sympathetic, and the Ragnor-Raphael parabatai? They... Didn't change much. Still looked irritated as always.

Alec shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling awkward underneath the scrutinizing gazes.

"Uhm.. I'll just- take the vamp home and see what I can figure out." Alec mumbled, fidgeting.

He snapped his fingers, creating a portal, and sent the vampire girl through. Just as he had stepped through though, he felt another presence quickly jump in besides him. Confused, Alec was about to protest; but they were already at his apartment.

Alec turned, ready to yell at the person, when his eyes landed on who it was.

Magnus.

"Why'd you follow me, Magnus? It could have been dangerous." Alec hadn't mean for it to come out as more of a growl, it just had happened.

"I was thinking about your apartment. No harm done." Magnus said dismissively, golden eyes finally landing on Alec's.

Magnus and Jace may have shared golden eyes, but they were much, much different.

Jace's were the color of fire, of sunlight gleaming off of a building in the afternoon rays. They were a warm, light kind of gold with passion behind them.

Magnus's were the color of burning cities. The color of high, leaping flames touching the sky in golden sparks, of intensity that lay unspoken. And, of course, the pain that he had seen in them earlier.

"If you hadn't been, you could have been sucked into the Void-" Alec began, but Magnus stopped him with a hand.

"You never answered my question, earlier today." Magnus murmured, looking up at Alec with a strange curiosity in those golden eyes. Alec couldn't find it in himself to be annoyed, to be more than irritated that Magnus had redirected their conversation to something personal. It was strange, and Alec just looked away.

"I don't know what your talking about." Alec muttered, feigning ignorance.

"Don't play dumb, Alexander." Alec ignored the way he shivered slightly at the way the man said his name. He ignored the obvious effect Magnus had on him, repeating the same mantra he had repeated to himself every day . Everyday since Camille, at least. The same mantra he had finally accepted, the fact that he could never love, and never be loved.

"I'm not." Alec said simply, averting his eyes. Magnus sighed, and stepped closer. Alec stepped back, eyes coloring a darker, mistrusting blue. 

"Alexander. Please, if something happened between you and Camille-" Magnus began, his voice almost taking on the tone of a plea.

"Nothing happened, Magnus." Alec snapped, the Shadowhunter treading too close to ground he didn't want to walk on. Magnus went quiet, seeming to know when to back off. He brushed past Alec, staring around at the apartment with curiosity gleaming in his eyes.

"Having fun?" Alec murmured dryly, staring dubiously at the Shadowhunter. Magnus turned, a smirk playing at the edges of his mouth.

It seemed the confident boy he had first met was back. 

"It looked different, at the party. What happened?" Magnus asked thoughtfully, as if the previous conversation hadn't happened at all. He did that often, Alec noticed. Redirecting the conversation when things got too tense. 

"Izzy happened." Alec muttered, and Magnus grinned, amusement hinted in his eyes.

"Isabelle decorated your apartment for the party, then?" Magnus smirked, and Alec glared.

"I could have decorated it, you know. " Alec stated indignantly, and Magnus hummed.

"Despite your many years, Alexander, I doubt that you spent a single one learning about house decorating." Magnus said, humor in his eyes. It was startling, to see those eyes that had held so much agony glimmering with amusement. Alec found himself smiling, smiling at the fact that it was him who had gotten rid of the pain, even for a moment. 

"You're right. I spent them trying to avoid strange, glittery Shadowhunters." Alec mused, and Magnus snorted. 

"Glittery I understand, but strange?" Magnus faked hurt, and yet there was still some of that genuine curiosity behind the joke.

"Well, yeah."

 _You're strange in a good way, you're not like the uptight, Downworld-hating Nephilim I know._ Alec added in his head, but didn't say. The thought almost scared him, and he chose not to elaborate. 

"Frankly I'm hurt, Alexander. Surely I've left a better impression than that?" Magnus inquired, now sitting on his kitchen counter. The act should have annoyed Alec, but he just snorted.

"Not really. Sorry, Magnus." Alec shrugged, nonchalantly. Magnus raised an eyebrow, and sighed slightly. He looked at something past Alec, a question in his eyes.

"What is it- Oh." Alec muttered, looking to where Magnus was at the vampire girl. Immediately the teasing, light atmosphere was tense again. His eyes, that had been a bright, cerulean blue, darkened. 

"I suppose I should work on figuring out what happened to the vampires." Alec said stiffly, looking away. Magnus slid off the counter, moving towards the warlock. 

"Wait, Alec. We need to talk." Magnus said it quietly, and Alec sighed. 

"What about, Magnus?" He questioned, even though he knew exactly what the Nephilim was referencing. His dark hair had landed in front of deep blue eyes, the color shifting with uncertainty. 

"You know what, Alexander."

"I'm not a mind reader, Magnus." Alec snapped back, regretting the bite to his words immediately. 

"Look at me, Alec." Magnus murmured, and Alec frowned, but obeyed. When he did, uncertain blues met golden again, the latter painted with an emotion Alec couldn't identify. 

"I think.. I think I might be fond of you, Alec Lightwood." Magnus suddenly whispered, and heat colored Alec's cheeks. Magnus looked certain, the absolute opposite of uncertain Alec. Alec wanted to lean closer, to close the distance between them, when a reminder flared in his brain.

_I can never love, and no one will ever love me._

He immediately took a step back, fear blooming in his chest. 

"I- I have to work on the um, on the vampire." Alec said, taking another step and another.

He couldn't, he simply couldn't get her voice out of his head. The curling, manipulative voice of Camille Belcourt. 

Magnus didn't even attempt to hide the hurt in his gaze, but cleared his throat anyways. "Right. Send a fire-message if there's any results." Magnus turned then, turned and walked straight out of Alec's apartment.

Alec sank to the ground, head in his hands. He replayed the scene over and over, the easiness that he had only ever achieved with Izzy and Jace, occasionally Will. Feeling that way with someone he barely knew was strange, a weird feeling Alec wasn't accustomed to. 

Alec replayed the weird expression on Magnus's face when he told that strange sentence to Alec. It was absurd, and Alec shook his head with a sigh. It didn't matter, anyways. Nothing ever did.

Alec was destined to be alone.

 

* * *

 

When Magnus stepped inside the Institute, he was met with Catarina's challenging gaze.

"You were with the High Warlock, then?" She asked with a quirk of a smile on her face. 

"Not right now, Catarina." Magnus murmured tiredly, walking down the hall to his room. The other Shadowhunter must have heard his resigned tone and held back, which Magnus was grateful for.

He laid down onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Trying to sort out the jumble of thoughts and emotions in the turmoil that was Magnus Bane's head was hard work.

He knew that he had gone to that party, flirted with the warlock simply to get his hands on a memory spell. Magnus thought that was his entire reasoning, his entire thought process behind trying to befriend Alexander Lightwood. 

If he tried really hard, that was still his only motive. Magnus just needed to forget. He just wanted to rid himself of Camille Belcourt. That was all Magnus Bane wanted.

It had nothing to do with how fascinating  Alec's blue eyes flickering was, or how terribly endearing his small, tentative smile was. He certainly didn't affect Magnus in the slightest.

All Magnus needed was to forget.

 _Then why,_ a tiny voice whispered,in the back of his mind, _Why weren't you lying when you said you were fond of Alec Lightwood?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was going to be so much more in this chapter :,) I got lazy and really wanted to have this up, so my apologies. Also, I meant for this to be fast but I actually think this'll be kind of a slow burn. Both of the beautiful boys are broken, and it takes a while to heal~ (alliteration at its finest)  
> Jace is so hard to write for me and I don't even know why >~


	8. Pep Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just warning you, dialogue heavy. And fairly short, so my apologies!!

"So, what's going on with you and Magnus?" Isabelle Lightwood had taken the liberty stand in front of Alec, staring at him plaintively. They stood in his apartment, Alec with a table that held a vampire in front of him and Isabelle with her elbows on that same table.

"Gee, thanks Iz. I'm doing great, how about you?" Alec muttered sarcastically, trying to focus on the examining spell he was using on the vampire. Izzy sighed, and moved so she was beside him.

"Alec, you never tell me anything about your personal life." Isabelle pointed out, and Alec glared.

"He's not personal-"

"Will told me." Izzy smiled cheekily, and Alec groaned.

"Bloodsucking bastard." He muttered under his breath, and Izzy giggled. Alec promptly ignored her, trying, and failing, to stay focused. She poked him on the shoulder, a frown adorning her features.

"Seriously though, what's going on?" Isabelle prompted, concern mixed with curiosity written across her face. Alec sighed in slight irritation.

"Nothing Iz. It's nothing." He ground out, and Isabelle sighed.

"When your ready to let me into your life again, let me know." She said, the words tinged with sadness. Withdrawing her hand, she moved away from Alec, and towards the living room, where she sat down on the couch.

The distance was perhaps twenty feet, but it felt like miles. Alec knew he had been withdrawn from both of his siblings. It was only natural, after Camille. He had guarded them from that darkness, not wanting them to see the emotionally distraught person he had been at that time. Alec was just trying to protect both Isabelle and Jace, like always.

What he didn't realize was that his protection had created a rift between them, a rift that caused Alec to float farther and farther away.

He bit his lip, turning back to the blasted vampire. He'd bury himself in work, bury all the layers of confusion and anger.

Alec just wanted to bury it all underneath pale blue sparks.

 

* * *

 

Magnus sipped at his now-cold coffee, sitting in the kitchen of the Institute. He was admittedly staring at the surroundings emptily, mind taken up by memories; both new and old. Some held a smirking vampire, and the others a blushing warlock.

"Don't you look positively pitiful." A voice said cheerfully behind him, walking over to grab an apple from the fridge. Magnus glared at the back of Ragnor Fell, his long-time friend, or something of that caliber.

"What do you want, Fell?" Magnus growled, not in the mood for any of his snarky or sarcastic remarks. The other Shadowhunter simply grinned crookedly.

"So, Cat tells me you've been seeing a certain warlock?" He wore an expression that was a cross between a smirk and a grin, and Magnus hated it.

"Not at all. I just need him for a memory spell." Magnus spoke flippantly, ignoring the dubious look in his friend's gaze.

"You might want to make that clear to the warlock, my friend." Ragnor looked at him thoughtfully, and Magnus hated how his eyes seemed to rip into his soul.

"Why would I? He's just a Downworlder." The second the words were out of his mouth, Magnus hated them. He'd always hated how the Nephilim looked down on Downworlders, no pun intended. Magnus had always protested against punishing them too harshly. Unfortunately, Ragnor knew this.

"Magnus, you are a terrible liar." He spoke with a smirk, but there was a light remorse laced in the edges of his tone. Magnus glared.

"I just need Alec for a spell. That's all I care about." Magnus meant it to be a growl, but it came out quietly, almost sadly. Silence fell over them like a blanket, and Ragnor looked away, towards the window. It was like that for a while, just silence between the two Shadowhunters until Ragnor opened his mouth, shaping the words.

"Someday someone will come along who will tear down those walls you've built around your heart." He spoke softly, with sadness woven into his tone. It was almost a hushed whisper, but if Magnus tried, he could see the lines inbetween.

Neither of them had spoken about what had happened with Camille, Magnus hadn't told anyone anything besides 'I need to forget her'. This was the first time Ragnor had referenced it, at least in part, and Magnus didn't know what to feel about it. Whether to be angry, or sad or regretting.

Ragnor sounded remorseful, as if he was missing someone. Missing the old, carefree Magnus Bane. As if Magnus was a different person entirely.

Silence fell between them, and Magnus just cast his eyes downward.

"I'm going out." He announced, and Ragnor looked up at him in surprise.

"And can I inquire where?" Ragnor questioned, the tone in his voice forgotten, and replaced by his usual irritation.

"Not sure yet." Magnus grinned, but it was fake. Everything he did nowadays seemed fake. The only real laugh, and real smile he'd had in weeks was with..

With Alec.

Magnus shook his head, reminding himself that all he truly needed was a spell. Emotions did not come with a spell.

Magnus walked out of the Institute, trying to rid his mind of the swirling thoughts. He needed to be distracted.

And, since there was no alcohol in sight, Magnus chose the second best thing.

Shadow Hunting.

His Sensor beeped, an indication that a demon was nearby. Magnus let a small smirk play on his lips, the familiar thrill before fighting overcoming him.

Magnus just needed to lose himself, to forget about memories of Camille and the strange effect Alec Lightwood had on him. And he intended to do just that, even for a little bit.

A demon crawled out to face him, and with a smirk Magnus noticed it wasn't small.

His usual choice in weapon was a war fan, eccentric and beautiful, but Magnus didn't need pretty. Pretty reminded him of Camille, and pretty reminded him of Alec.

Shaking his head, Magnus brought out a seraph blade, murmuring an angel's name under his breath to light the sword.

" _Gabriel_."

Magnus lifted the now-alight blade, and faced the demon.

 

When he fought, Magnus tended to forget. Each limb was an extension of his own soul, of his own body that was mindlessly stabbing away at demon after demon.

He wasn't sure when the demon had become demons, but Magnus couldn't quite bring himself to care. He didn't care about much at the moment, choosing instead to lose himself. Magnus didn't want to _think_ anymore. He just wanted to forget, but as that wasn't an option, losing himself was the next best thing. Magnus hated the ever-present voice in his head, the ever-present Camille Belcourt. He hated it all, and would watch as his memories were destroyed. He just wanted them burned, ashes flowing away on the wind.

Magnus didn't remember when the demons started to overpower him. Again, he didn't really care. It wasn't until the pain grew loud enough to break through his state of mind that he realized one of the stingers had stabbed him.

It wasn't until his world turned black that Magnus finally managed to think a coherent thought:

_Oh, shit._

Before crashing to the ground, darkness swallowing him up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry tbh this chapter wasn't worth the wait at all but the next chapter is very,  
> Very important. I assure you, you'll like it.  
> This was just me getting some bonding and conversation, oh and some depressed Magnus. Also to show they both have horrible coping methods! :,)  
> I promise I'll reveal what Camille did to him soon, probably in the form of flashbacks like I did with Alec :)  
> Again, so sorry this was so short!


	9. Wise Men Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy two updates in two days! Yay! As always it seems, there was going to be more in this chapter but I found a perfect ending sooooo  
> Enjoy!

Alec stared with a perplexed look on his face. Examining the vampire had gotten him almost no where, despite the trace of demon energies on the girl.

Plus, he had to continue making her unconscious and it was becoming a bit of a head ache.

He sighed, sitting back in his chair for a moment. Isabelle's voice came from the living room,

"Maybe if you stare long enough the answers will magically appear!" She yelled, and Alec rolled his eyes.

"How do you even know? You can't see me!" Alec shouted back, resisting the urge to grin. Isabelle burst out laughing, and Alec stood, confused.

"Iz, what are you laughing about-" Alec broke off as he stared at the TV screen. She had put on boxing, which was weird enough for Isabelle, and the screen was shouting that same line of 'You can't see me!'

Alec frowned, perplexed once again.

"Who is that, and why are you watching him?" He questioned, and Izzy just cackled.

"Honestly big brother, you need some education on the internet cause that's-" She broke off as the screen shouted a name: John Cena?

"Who the hell is John Cena?" Alec wrinkled his nose in confusion, ignoring Isabelle's continuous cackling.

"Well, I'm going to go work on the vampire." He grumbled, walking back into the kitchen where the vampire was still unconscious. He sighed, trying to think of a stronger spell to fully figure out what happened to the vampires.

His concentration, however, was broken by the buzzer ringing loudly, and repetively. Alec groaned, he hated impatient clients.

When he buzzed them in, ready to yell at them to go away, he didn't expect Catarina Loss, her face pale, holding the bloodied body of Magnus Bane.

"Help him. _Please_."

 

 

  
"What the hell did he do?" Alec uttered under his breath, which wasn't his first time doing so in the hour. Catarina stood by him, runed hands fidgeting with anxiety.

"I patched him up as best I could but- there are things runes and bandages can't do." Catarina said quietly, and Alec nodded briskly, trying to put his entire focus into Magnus. He tried to ignore all the blood pooling around him, Magnus's blood. It got in his nose, his mouth, hands- everywhere. Alec wasn't usually squeamish, but the fact that it was Magnus left a squirming feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Catarina had done a fairly good job of patching him up, and without her Magnus probably would've been dead. Alec guessed she had to kill demons as well before bringing Magnus here, as there were messy _iratzes_ on her body that were fading fast.

"Sometimes I wish I had magic. Could've been a better healer then, no?" Catarina continued, and Alec knew she was just trying to focus her mind on anything but Magnus bleeding on the table; but frankly, Alec didn't need any sort of distraction. Her continued chatter along with the extended use of magic turned the dull thudding in his head to incessant pounding; causing Alec to turn for a second to Catarina(who was opening her mouth to talk again).

"Catarina, I need you to _shut up._ " Alec hissed, and she immediately fell silent. Alec felt grateful at the fact that he didn't feel any sort of offense from her, just slight acceptance at the fact that that was what Alec needed to save her friend. It was immensely helpful.

Alec had healed others before, sure, but it wasn't his most common job. He never really did it at all. However, he was the best at it out of his siblings- who always got into trouble first- so he always had to heal them anyway.

But it wasn't quite his forte. Alec had always been worried for his siblings when they were injured, always felt pressing anxiety if he had to heal them. It was expected, as they were his family.

What was unexpected, however, was that he felt just as scared for Magnus.

Being immortal meant death was just a part of life, a way of living. Mortals died in the blink of an eye, and Alec had witnessed it much to many times. It was one of the reasons why, before Camille, he had never tried hard to find a lover.

Holding a mortal's life in his hands was something he had done before, countless times. Whether it be for a client, or simply finding someone dying on the street.

Alec hadn't ever held a mortals life in his hands and felt something akin to the fear he felt for his siblings when they were hurt.

And yet, as he worked magic, released sparks along Magnus's angry red gashes, Alec felt scared.

Truly and wholly terrified that Magnus might die.

And that newfound fear? The strange emotion swarming through his veins?

It almost scared him more than the thought of Magnus's death.

Alec grit his teeth, willing the disturbing thoughts away. He continued to heal, to magic the pain away. Alec hadn't felt so passionate when using spells in quite a long time, and it added an extra kick in his sparks.

His eyes flickered constantly, changing from pale to dark to blue to pale again. Alec couldn't be bothered to care, could only be bothered to care about the body in front of him.

The Shadowhuntner in front of him. Since when did the High Warlock of Brooklyn care for Shadowhunters?

Alec groaned out loud, wanting to stop thinking and just work.

Catarina sent him a concerned glance, but he waved her off and went back into healing.

Eventually, Alec had dipped into his reserves. He knew he was hurting himself, and he should probably ask for magical aid from Isabelle, but at that point he didn't care.

Alec was so close. Magnus was already healed from the brink of death, but Alec didn't want him to just be 'okay'. It was always like this, when it came to healing. 

He healed them past expected and wanted them to be just like normal, without having to live some crappy recovery time. It was a stupid and much too physically exerting goal, as Izzy always said, but Alec did it anyway. Isabelle called it selfless stupidity. Alec liked to focus on the selfless part of that statement. 

So when the pounding of his head grew to drums, and his vision began to blur, Alec still continued healing. It was his idiotic need to protect, but he still did it anyways. 

It wasn't until those gold eyes blinked open slowly, and met Alec's pale blue with a shaky smile, that he let go.

"Hey there, blue eyes." Magnus whispered softly, and Alec smiled a small, tentative smile, before falling backward and into the welcoming darkness.

 

* * *

 

 

"Well, it seems Sleeping Beautiy is awake." Magnus was sitting on his bed, grinning over at Alec. Alec frowned.

"You should be resting." Alec stated with a preemptive glance at the Shadowhunter. His chin was propped onto his hand, gold eyes gleaming with mischief and something else as he stared openly at Alec.

"Your one to talk, Mr. Overachiever." Magnus teased, and Alec scowled. 

"I'm fine. It's nothing that hasn't happened before. What about you?" Alec tilted his head to the side, glancing Magnus up and down for injuries.

"Your not very subtle with your checking out, Alexander." Magnus smirked, and Alec just rolled his eyes.

"Do you not have any sustaining injuries?" Alec inquired, forever straight to the point. Magnus shrugged.

"Just some scars." Magnus tapped his fingers against his leg, the gesture strangely distracting. Alec shrugged.

"Good." He stated, and promptly threw a pillow at the Shadowhunter. Magnus sputtered, taken aback. Alec hid his grin behind a blanket.

"What the hell was that for?" Magnus yelled defensively, and Alec shrugged nonchalantly.

"For trying to get yourself killed. And in that, scaring the hell out of everyone." Alec looked away then, trying not to remember the feeling of Magnus's blood everywhere. In his nails, fingers, the metallic tang in the air and on his tongue-

"Alexander?" Magnus asked softly, breaking the mental image. Alec looked over at him, furrowing his brow a bit.

"Why'd you do it?" Alec whispered, and Magnus looked away.

"I've done a lot of things in my life, Alec. You'll have to be specific." Magnus said, almost playfully, and Alec stared at him.

"You do that, you know. Avoid personal questions with a joke." Alec informed him, and Magnus raised an eyebrow.

"Oh really? Well, good to know, I suppose. I also develop weird cravings but I suppose that's unrelated." Magnus spoke, on instinct, then gaped. Alec smirked.

"Case and point." His eyes were a mischievous cerulean blue, and he sat up in the bed, staring thoughtfully at Magnus.

"Your too perceptive." Magnus informed. Alec shrugged.

"Or maybe I'm just hundreds of years old and know how to read people?" Alec suggested, and it was Magnus's turn to shrug.

"Something like that." He murmured, and they fell into silence. It was less uncomfortable and more of a transition, neither of them really knowing what to say. Magnus had somehow migrated closer, and Alec took a breath. They were in too close of a proximity, and Alec gulped dryly.

"This seems to be happening a lot lately." Magnus whispered, as if he couldn't speak the words normally. Alec nodded subtly, completely aware of the fact that Magnus was extremely close. Again. He had voiced Alec's exact thoughts, the fact that this honestly did seem to be happening a lot lately.

And then, right on cue, Camille Belcourt barreled into his thoughts. Alec bit his lip, the ever present reminder barging his way back into his head.

Alec stood then, moving to the door.

"Better go check on the vampire." He muttered half-heartedly, not wanting to see the expression on Magnus's face. And yet, he did, and saw confusion, pain, and a strange acceptance lying in their gold depths.

"You do that, you know." Magnus murmured, looking at Alec dead in the eye. "Push away people that try to get close to you." 

Alec stared at him for a moment, jaw working incessantly before he took in a breath, and looked at Magnus.

"You do too." 

He walked through the bedroom door.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I updated two stories today! My old Malec fic, which if you want to look at you can, and this. :)  
> I actually was going to have some more malec in this, but the end rather fit so I just let it go.  
> I'm thinking this double update came from me being sick both yesterday and today, and having time to write.  
> aLSO  
> LOOK AT THE HIT COUNT YOU GUYS  
> IM SCREAMING  
> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH  
> *hugs and squeezes and never lets go*  
> I love you all okay? Okay.  
> Just- thank you all so much for even reading cause honestly screw anything else, seeing kudos and comments make my day instantly better.  
> y'all are amazing and I love you!


	10. Only Fools Rush In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I think my update schedule is going to be twice a week. Not sure which days, but most likely I'll be updating twice a week, three times if I'm not too busy :)

"I'm still confused on the point of why you're talking to me." Raphael pointed out, glaring at Magnus from his position on the couch. They had recently returned from Alec's, the only exchange between Magnus and Alec being a small nod of acknowledgement when he left.

And memory spells be damned, Magnus hated it.

He stood in the Library of the Institute, pacing back and forth with Raphael glaring at him; a usual occurrence.

Magnus didn't _want_ to talk to Raphael, he just had no one else to turn to. Catarina was gone, off on a mission to heal some Shadowhunter. Ragnor had gone with her, claiming he needed the distraction.

So that left Magnus Bane talking about _feelings_ with Raphael Santiago. He'd had better moments.

"Catarina and Ragnor are out on a mission." Magnus replied smoothly, yet Raphael just rolled his eyes. "Now, you're supposed to be helping me." Magnus continued, glancing at Raphael. He scowled.

"From what Catarina has reported back to Ragnor and what Ragnor has said to me, it sounds like all you want the warlock for is a memory spell, correct?" Raphael drawled, his tone laced with irritation. Magnus nodded briskly.

"Yes, that would be all if Alexander wasn't so confusing." Magnus sighed dramatically, flopping down on the couch next to Raphael.

"So basically, you've developed feelings for the warlock." Raphael stated, with devastating simplicity. It made Magnus nervous.

"I haven't. I've simply found a better way to get the spell." Magnus's eyes suddenly gleamed. "That's all I have to do, correct? Just get close to Alexander, and he'll give me the spell." Magnus grinned, but everything about it felt wrong. His gleaming eyes were fake, and a strange new feeling had taken hold in his chest. Guilt.

Raphael frowned at him. Magnus stood abruptly, making his way to the door before the other Shadowhunter could say anything else."Well, as wonderful as this was I really must be going-"

"It's something Camille would do." Raphael finally said, words cutting through Magnus like a blade. His hold on the doorknob momentarily faltered, and Magnus grit his teeth. When he turned to look at Raphael, the Nephilim's head was held high, looking at Magnus with a challenge in his eyes.

Raphael had actually known Camille for a while, had always been the one to diplomat with the vampires until Magnus and Camille.. Happened. So he knew better than anyone, besides Magnus, what she would do. He had said those words exactly, knowing them to be true, and also as a sort of challenge towards Magnus. The same challenge that was reflected in his eyes, now.

The challenge to deny the inexplicable truth.

Magnus opened the door and left without another word. He wasn't sure what kept him from slamming the door on the way out.

 

* * *

 

"What do you want?" Alec groaned at the three people huddled on his doorstep. Two of them he recognized from Isabelle's party, the werewolf and vampire that were friends. The other was Jace.

Alec immediately shifted dark, dark blues onto him, letting all his frustration, tiredness, and irritation into that single gaze. It wasn't even Jace's fault, if he was honest. Jace didn't really do anything.

Alec's beyond-terrible mood was because of a certain Shadowhunter with gleaming golden eyes.

Jace, knowing this look, took a step back. It was the redhead, the werewolf girl, that spoke first.

"We- we need your help." Her voice broke at the end, and Alec suppressed a roll of his eyes. He was not, in any shape or form, in the mood to deal with whiny teenage werewolves. The girl had seemed nice enough at the party, but now she just seemed downright annoying.

"And I need a day off." Alec snarled back, feeling the slightest bit of satisfaction when her expression shifted. However, a strange stubborn set to her jaw made Alec about five times more annoyed.

He was dealing with someone ridiculously determined. Add it to the list of things he didn't want to deal with at the moment.

"It's- it's my mom. She's in a sudden coma. We don't know how to wake her." She spoke, glancing up at Alec with a plea in her bright green eyes.

Alec sighed heavily. He really, really didn't want to. And yet, as his eyes shifted to Jace, looking down at the werewolf with a strange tenderness in his gaze, Alec knew he had to. Squaring his shoulders, Alec turned to the girl.

"Lead the way."

 

It turned out that Alec had no idea how to wake her mother. She was under a spell much stronger than his magic, although with the right spell book he might be able to figure it out.

Although, that suggestion was never really explored. Instead, in the middle of his sentence, there was a sudden sound of an explosion.

Time seemed to slow. Alec's movements felt like moving through water. The girl, Clary, screamed, the sound ripping through the air. She stood frozen, staring at the leaping flames. A single figure came from between the flames, emerging as if they had made way for him. 

They probably had. The man was grinning, a type of maniacal grin that was coupled with a wolfish gaze that sent shivers down Alec's spine.

He was a werewolf, but certainly not of the New York pack. He wore a charcoal suit, practically white hair perfectly cropped on his head. 

The mere sight of him pissed Alec off. 

"Clarissa." The man's voice was like velvet, soft to the touch yet left an unpleasant feeling lingering. Clary stiffened visibly, looking at him with her head held high.

"Who are you?" Her voice didn't waver, as expected, but rang out clear. The man smiled, lips curling into a menacing expression that made Alec shudder. 

"I've just come to collect what belongs to me. I'll see you soon, Clarissa Fairchild." He gave one last, final grin, before ducking back into the flames that swallowed him. 

It was only about five minutes later that the flames disappeared completely, and where Clary's mother had been was empty. Clary ran to the empty space, hand over her mouth. Tears spilled from her cheeks, green eyes glistening. Jace came up behind her, wordlessly pulling the girl he barely knew into an embrace. Clary sobbed into his shirt, murmuring her mother's name over and over while Jace just held her.

Strangely enough, Alec felt like he was intruding on something intimate. Wordlessly he backed up, opening a Portal to his apartment before stepping through.

What he did not expect, and yet sort of did, was Magnus Bane sitting on his kitchen counter with a wide grin on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Alec questioned, shrugging off his jacket with a scowl adorning his features. He was tired, both emotionally and physically. What Alec did not need was the damn Shadowhunter that made Alec question everything. That made Alec actually _want_  something for a change.

Magnus just shrugged. "I need to talk to you, Alexander." He slid off the counter, taking purposeful strides until he stood about two feet away from Alec. Alec crossed his arms, glaring at the Nephilim.

"I'm here. Talk. " Alec muttered, hating the words as soon as they left his mouth. Magnus visibly brightened though, to his credit.

"Drinks?" Magnus asked carefully. Alec sighed, and snapped his fingers; a cocktail appearing in Magnus's hand and a shot of whiskey in his. "Whiskey eh?" Magnus raised an eyebrow, and Alec rolled his eyes. 

"Cut to the chase, Magnus." Alec murmured. The Shadowhunter sighed, rubbing his temples a bit. 

"We never really finished our conversation before you.. Had to check on the vampire." Magnus continued, taking a sip of his drink.

They were both dancing around the subject, barely touching what needed to be embraced. Alec stiffened.

"It wasn't really a conversation, Magnus." Alec pointed out, but still wasn't looking straight at him. 

"It could have been." Magnus murmured softly. Alec winced, ready to say he was tired when he felt it, Magnus's hand on his shoulder. The feeling left a warm imprint, as if all of Magnus's fingers were burning into him. "Don't run away again." Magnus whispered, and Alec grit his teeth, but turned anyway. He met Magnus's gaze, his eyes searching the other's. Searching for a sign of something, he wasn't sure what, but anything, anything lying in the golden orbs. Something that would explain, explain what the hell was going on, in not only Magnus's head, but Alec's own. He just needed _something_. 

Magnus looked just as uncertain, eyes flitting from all around Alec's face, as if he could find closure in the way his jaw was moving. 

"I know you feel what I feel, Alec." Magnus whispered, looking Alec dead in the eye. Alec shivered, but not because of the cold. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to hide behind anything. Anything that hid him from Magnus's probing gaze, from the fear of his own strange emotions. 

Alec's throat felt dry, as if he needed water and yet he didn't want to move. They were in the same damn position it seemed they always were, inches away from each other's faces. Everytime it happened, a strange flutter took place in Alec's chest, an emotion Alec couldn't identify settling over him like a blanket. 

And somewhere, something entirely new entered his brain, a single thought.

 _Screw this. Screw all of it. I don't give a damn anymore_. 

Alec took a deep breath, and looked at Magnus again.

"You were right." He muttered, barely catching Magnus's confused expression. "This does seem to be happening a lot lately." Alec murmured, taking a single step forward. Magnus smirked, opening his mouth to reply, but Alec beat him to it.

_Screw this._

Alec grabbed Magnus by whatever beautiful silk shirt he was wearing, and crashed their lips together.

It was sloppy, unorganized, and yet, Alec felt an ' _Oh_ ' run though his mind. 

Magnus's lips were incredibly soft, moving against Alec's enthusiastically. He wound his slender fingers into Alec's hair, humming in appreciation. Briefly Alec thought, _So this is what it's supposed to be like._

Kissing Camille, he had felt empty, cold, and uncomfortable. 

With Magnus? He felt alive. Every one of his nerves was on edge, electricity pulsing through his veins as he gripped Magnus's waist, pulling him in closer.

All Alec could see was sparks behind his closed eyes, every bit of his body tingling with newfound sensation. His lips parted and Magnus's tongue darted in, exploring Alec's mouth enthusiastically. Alec moaned into Magnus's mouth, and at that point he didn't care whether this was just pure lust, or stupidity, all he could focus on was Magnus.

Magnus pressing him against the back of the couch, hands slowly going underneath Alec's shirt, Magnus moaning heatedly into his mouth, the feeling of _Magnus_  everywhere around him.

And then- Alec remembered. What was wrong with him. The fact that he wouldn't ever be able to love, and no one would love him. Magnus didn't deserve that. He didn't need Alec's baggage, the fact that he was broken. 

"Magnus. Magnus stop." Alec whispered, the sound faltering. Immediately the Shadowhunter pulled away, confusion and hurt written clearly across his face. 

"Alec, what-" He began, but Alec just shook his head.

"I'm sorry. You should leave." Alec murmured, and Magnus immediately backed up, anger added into the mix of emotions on his face. Alec found himself strangely missing the warmth of the Nephilim's body. 

Magnus looked at him coldly, trying to assess the person before him. Alec's shoulders were hunched, his mouth pressed into a thin line. Magnus glared, grabbing his coat.

"Yeah, I think I should." He spoke with an air of finality, and walked out of Alec's apartment.

Once he was out of sight, Alec sank to his knees; back pressed against the door, and finally let himself cry. A shuddering sob, heard by no one.

He cried for the fact that he could never be happy, that Camille Belcourt was _right._

Alec cried, in truth, for the fact that he could never have Magnus Bane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaannnd I'm sorry but angst is fun :,3  
> And it makes sense in this particular story.  
> bUT HEY- THEY KISSED!  
> Please tell me what you thought, I haven't really written any romantic scenes before, that was just me going by what I've read.  
> Also- added in some parallels with the show :)  
> OH! Comment what song the lyrics I used for chap 9 and this one's title was from and you get a pie ;)   
> Hope you all enjoyed!  
> Psst: comments make me wanna write happy Magnus and Alec


	11. Successful Lecture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long! It's a lil short, but next chapter is super important :D

When Alec woke up that morning, groaning, he realized that he had literally slept on the floor. Which wasn't the smartest option. He had a simply wonderful crick in his neck, as well as increasing back pain.

It was all just _peachy_. Alec sighed, rising to his feet with another groan. It was only after he got over the initial pain that the events of last night came crashing back.

The Clary girl, the strange werewolf and... And Magnus. Magnus's lips against his, the feeling strangely welcome and.. Right. It felt _right_. Better than Camille, or really anyone else he had kissed. Alec was fairly sure he was the only warlock of his age with a number less than 10 as the amount of people he'd kissed. And yet, none of them had felt the same as Magnus had.  
Alec sighed heavily, trying, and failing, to rid himself of these thoughts. Unfortunately, it seemed his thoughts of late primarily consisted of Magnus.

He was saved from this spiral of thought from an insistent buzzing at the door. Apparently, his apartment was going to buzz angrily every day. Alec sighed, trudging over to the door that had only brought dramatic and confusion the past week.

"What." He growled, opening the door. Who stood there was perhaps not the right person for his foul mood.

It was the Clary girl, and the vampire she was friends with. Alec put on his best 'How-Dare-You-Fucking-Disturb-Me' face, fixing nearly black eyes onto the girl. To her credit, she kept stubborn green eyes on him.

"Well? What do you want?" Alec demanded. The vein on his head had started to pulse worryingly, and Alec really wasn't in the mood for this damn wolf. She shifted a little, the small fraction of emotion giving Alec some satisfaction.

"I need you to find a spell to track my mother." Clary said shakily, yet laced with determination. Alec raised an eyebrow.

"Not happening." He replied, slamming the door shut. After sending a quick fire-message to Izzy to help Jace's stray dog, Alec sat down at his couch; resolving to do nothing but reread 'A Tale of Two Cities' all day.

  
.

"Gee. I see its your turn to lecture me about feelings. Everyone gets a turn, right?" Magnus muttered sarcastically, looking at the frowning form of Catarina Loss. Magnus sat in a chair with Catarina standing in front of him."First Ragnor, then Raphie-

"Do _not_ call me that!" Came Raphael's indignant  voice from somewhere else in the Institute. Magnus, never one to be deterred,continued,  
"And now you, Catarina dear. Go on then, enlighten me on all the ways I'm doing things oh so wonderfully wrong-"  
Magnus was abruptly cut off by Catarina's hand brought down against his cheek. She slapped him. She, Catarina Loss, gentle healer, had slapped him. Magnus blinked, then dared a glance upwards to his friend.

Catarina had her mouth pressed into a thin line, and was frowning down at him. And yet the hand that had hit him was shaking, and she was clearly resisting the urge to bite her lip.

"Stop being an asshole, Magnus. " She said after a long while, lowering the still raised hand. Taking an obviously deep breath, she took a step back. "Look, I don't know what the hell happened, but it obviously had something to do with Alec Lightwood. Go talk to him-"

"But that's the thing, Cat. Everytime I do that, every time I talk to him, as you insist I must do, it all goes to hell! He kissed me, Catarina. And you know what sucks? I liked it." Magnus snarled, and Catarina just looked confused, opening her mouth, but Magnus continued. "And I'm pretty sure he did too. Yet, he shoved me away then, like he was disgusted. Like he couldn't believe himself, kissing a Shadowhunter. Hell, kissing a guy. So yes, I guess I am being an asshole." Magnus finished, panting heavily. Catarina just blinked at him for a long moment, her friend that was breathing so hard, with a wild look in his golden eyes. Finally, she opened her mouth delicately, words flowing out with a sort of care.

"This isn't about memory spells anymore, is it?" She murmured, looking at him meaningfully before turning around and walking away.

Magnus put his head in his hands, letting out a long sigh.

"Dammit."

  
.

  
Alec was enjoying his book. He had pretty much calmed down, and had thought about the previous night. A lot. So really, he hadn't done much reading at all. But the point was, Alec had thought.

And honestly? He needed to talk to Magnus. Badly. He wanted to clear up what was between them, whatever the hell had transpired. And somewhere, Alec kind of, no, really did, want to kiss Magnus again. Alec wanted to apologize, to say sorry (for which part he wasn't sure), but after spending an entire day staring at Charles Dickens, Alec had come to a decision.

He needed to talk to Magnus. He just didn't know how to contact him, and if he'd actually ever reply-

The door buzzed, breaking his line of thoughts. Alec frowned, opening the door.

Magnus stood there, looking disheveled and wet, apparently it was raining, his glowing eyes certain of something. Yet despite his messy appearance, he still looked beautiful to Alec. Apparently Alec didn't have to look hard for Magnus after all.  
He took a single step forward, but still didn't say anything.

"Magnus I-" Alec started, but didn't finish. Magnus had fixed intense golden eyes onto him, and Alec felt his eyes shift to a navy blue: the color for desire as he gulped dryly underneath the gaze.  
Magnus took a deep breath, strode forward, and grabbed Alec by the strings of his sweater.

Their lips crashed together, and Alec immediately moaned. He missed this, this feeling of Magnus. It was a feeling he didn't even realize he craved, and he needed more. Instinctively he went for Magnus's waist, pulling him closer and swallowing the small gasp that Magnus made with his mouth. In response, Magnus wound slender fingers into his hair, pulling at the ebony strands. Alec moved then, pushing Magnus against the door and trailing kisses down his neck. Magnus whimpered, the sound sending shivers straight down.

"Alexander- Alec, wait." Magnus murmured, but it came out as a breathy whisper. Alec immediately stepped back, worry dancing in navy blue eyes.

"Sorry- did I do something wrong?" He asked, cocking his head to the side. Magnus shook his head, letting out a breathless chuckle.

"God, no. But I came here to talk, not.." He gestured weakly.

"Have sex?" Alec supplied helpfully, laughing a bit at Magnus's dumbfounded expression.

"Yes well, as much as I'd like to, we do need to talk." Magnus continued, as if Alec hadn't just blatantly stated what they would have done. What they still easily could do.

 

Alec nodded carefully, gesturing to his couch. They both sat down, and for a moment just stared at each other, blue and gold.

"What's first?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey the idiots are talking! hahahaha  
> Hope you enjoyed and still super sorry about late chapter!  
> Also what's wrong with the vamps will come in soon, and will be connected to the werewolf that took Jocelyn, AKA Valentine.  
> I know how to plot you guys  
> I swear  
> I'm not just here to write about stupid, stubborn precious beans! XD  
> Also, thank you so much to the people that comment, it literally means so much and it makes me want to write so much more. Extra love to the people that comment every chap, you know who you are, it literally means the world. I said 'it literally means' too much in this paragraph aren't I a good writer guys


	12. Long Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BLAAAHH ITS BEEN SO LONG IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO SHORT BUT SO IMPORTANT

When Alec first realized he was attracted to men, it was long before Camille. When he actually pursued it, it was also before Camille Belcourt stormed into his life. But he hadn't ever really tried to fall in love. Sure, he'd had a few one night stands. But not nearly as many as Isabelle, or Jace. Or even Will. Truth was, even before Camille, Alec had been terrified of falling in love.

He had seen his sister break down because of it, sob and sob into his shirt because they had died, or because they didn't want to be with someone that was immortal. He had seen what had happened to William Herondale after age took Tessa, seen how he broke so badly that the vampires deemed him not fit to rule any longer.

All in all, even before Camille Belcourt, Alec knew that love broke you. And after Camille?

Alec knew that love shattered you into a million shards of glass, beyond repair.

 

"Alexander?" Magnus asked, rather tentatively. It shook Alec out of his thoughts, and he smiled apologetically. Alec wasn't an idiot. He knew that whatever this was between him and Magnus wasn't love. And after Camille, Alec knew he wasn't ever going to find love. So what was he even doing?

"Sorry." Alec replied meekly. Magnus frowned a bit, then paused, as if considering something.

"Alexander, what is it?" Magnus's voice was gentle, yet there was an underlying current of genuine curiosity. Alec wasn't sure if he was comforted by that fact or scared of it.

"Magnus... I've been around for hundreds of years, you know that. But this.. It's new to me, okay? I can't-" Alec broke off then, staring pointedly at his lap. Magnus frowned, inner forces battling with him. One wanted to just comfort him, while the other wanted to know what made Alec like this. Or rather, who. In the end, curiosity won.

"You can't..?" Magnus probed. Alec sighed heavily.

"Your not the only one who wishes they could forget, Magnus." Alec finally said after a long time. Magnus stilled, freezing up. Did Alec know? Did he know the plan underneath all of this? Despite everything, despite the growing feelings he had for Alec, Magnus still desperately wanted that memory spell. It was the only thing that was _supposed_ to matter.

"Alec? What happened between you and Camille?" And there it was. That same question, despite being in a different format. But it was still there, the elephant in the room. Or one of them. It seemed there was quite a few, when it came to Magnus and Alecs' lives.

"I can't." Alec murmured, the sound coming out clear. Magnus felt two strange emotions battling inside of him, once again. One being the need to comfort him, again, and the other a strange.. Annoyance? It was less Magnus's irritation, and more that curiosity was now driving him. Making Magnus needing to know something, someone else that had dealt with Camille. And that need, it seemed, could be a dangerous thing.

"You can't what, Alec?" Magnus pressed, his voice gentle, but again, still with currents of hard curiosity.

"I just.. I just can't." Alec's voice was strained, and Magnus felt another rise of irritation. He tried to shove it down, but it didn't quite work.

"Alexander. Just tell me what's wrong." Magnus's voice was losing its gentler tone, taking on an edge of steel. Alec shifted. His brow furrowed uncertainly, and he barely glanced at Magnus. But it was enough to see the growing anger in them.

"Magnus, please." Alec whispered.

"Alec, whatever Camille did to you, it's why you keep pushing me away! It's why you keep pushing _everyone_ you love away from you!" Magnus's voice rised, and he didn't miss the way Alec flinched at her name. Alec continued to stare downwards, not saying a word. Magnus practically growled, standing up.

"I went through her bullshit too, Alec. You aren't alone in this. So would you stop acting like you are?" Magnus continued, and at that Alec raised his head. Eyes like a thunderstorm met Magnus's fiery gold, rain to fire. Cold to heat, drowning to blazing. It was two practically opposite gazes, one full of fire and passion. The other confused, drowning in it's own emotions.

"You don't get it." Alec finally said after a while, looking down again. His voice broke.

Magnus's eyes hardened again, hardened in the fiery wrath of angel's.

" _I_ don't get it, of all people? Alec, I might be the only one who does. If it meant something when you kissed me then-"

"Stop." Alec cut him off, his voice strangely strong.

"Magnus, you don't get it because I did mean something. Cause god dammit, I do care. But I can't-" Alec broke off for a moment before starting again, "I can't do this to you. You don't deserve it." Alec whispered the last part, looking away. Magnus frowned.

"Alexander. Don't decide what for me what I can and can't handle." Magnus's voice was suddenly gentle, soothing. And yet, it made Alec more frustrated. More frustrated that he didn't understand. That Magnus didn't get it. He lifted those same stormy eyes upwards once again, opening his mouth slowly.

"Can you handle a relationship that's only pain?" Alec whispered, but stared Magnus dead in the eye. Magnus opened his mouth, then closed it again. He let the sentence run over and over in his mind, before trying to speak once again.

"I'm sure that's not the case-" Magnus began, but Alec stopped him with a hand. Blue sparks had began to fly out of his fingers, a result of high emotional levels.

"Magnus, _you don't get it._ " Alec repeated, that same frustrating sentence. Magnus glowered.

"Maybe I would if you would just _try_ to let me understand! If you would just let me in on _something_!" And that, that was the breaking point for Alec.

_**"I can't fall in love!"** _

Silence. Pure and unyielding, complete silence with only the two staring at each other. It seemed ironic, in a way, that after the ear-splitting scream Alec emitted it was silence that followed. Alec could have laughed, besides for the fact that it seemed he was holding his breath. So was Magnus.

After a long time, Alec finally opened his mouth. Carefully, almost tentatively.

"You don't deserve it, Magnus Bane." Alec said it quietly, the sentence so small, yet so imposing. He stood then, and left his own apartment. Without a word.

Alec didn't notice Magnus's look of longing on his way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so sorry I haven't updated and that this is so short!! (But important)  
> But! I WILL UPDATE TOMORROW AS WELL  
> IF I DONT COME AND SLAP ME IN THE COMMENTS OKAY?  
> Again, I'm so sorry but thank you all for the continued support! I literally think of this fic everyday, even if I'm not updating!  
> P.S: If Magnus seems a bit OOC in this chapter, or anytime, please remember that this is not the centuries old warlock we know. This is a confused, broken young adult that has only had 19-20 years to deal with everything that has happened to him, especially Camille which is still extremely recent in this time frame.  
> Just a smol reminder before I get attacked by characterization pitchforks :,3


	13. Not Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gAH I KNOW IM TWO DAYS LATE BURN ME  
> also heads up: in this AU Will is kind of like Alec's Ragnor Fell :)

 

"Well, you look postively miserable." Exclaimed a cheerful voice. Alec raised his eyes to meet the intruder's, glaring once he saw the blue orbs of William Herondale.

"What do you want, Will?" Alec asked tiredly. Will raised an eyebrow at that.

"Just to talk." He replied, with less of teasing amusement and more slight concern.

"Did Izzy tell you to?"

"No, I just noticed you being exceptionally grumpy. More than usual, that is." Will answered, surprisingly truthfully. Alec didn't trust it.

"Cut to the chase." He snapped, really not in the mood at the moment. Will shrugged, and plopped himself down in a chair next to Alec. They sat in Alec's apartment, Will having used a key he found somewhere(most likely stolen from Jace) to get in. Alec had been working on the vampire before he intruded, which he needed to get back to ASAP.

"What happened between you and Magnus?" Will said softly, and Alec just wanted to bash his head against a table. He was tired of the lectures, of people telling him how to feel. He didn't need it, and he certainly didn't want their 'advice'.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Alec said curtly, turning back to the vampire in front of him. They was some sort of complicated wards on the body, protecting her from figuring out exactly what happened.

"Give it a rest, would you? Your feelings for him are clear as day, Lightworm." Will smirked as Alec glared, knowing Alec hated the petty insult.

"Shut up, Herondale." Alec retorted, falling back into the easy banter between he and Will.

"No witty comeback with a play on words?" Will questioned, as if strangely offended. Alec snorted.

"Guess we all can't be as great as William Herondale." The warlock drawled, sarcasm thick in his voice. Will just laughed.

"Guess not." He agreed. They sat in silence for a while, and Alec dreaded going back to their original topic. It was nice to just sit back and go back and forth, without any real venom or drama involved. It was something rare in Alec's life these days.

Suddenly a phone beeped loudly, and Will immediately cursed and pulled out his phone. He answered it, but Alec didn't really pay attention to their conversation. When it ended, Will shut off his phone and turned to Alec.

"That's my cue." The vampire sighed. Alec shrugged.

"Have to work anyways." Will frowned at this, but still went over to the door.

"Oh, and Alec? Someday someone will come along who will tear down those walls you've built around your heart. I can only hope it's that Shadowhunter." And with a final carefree grin, Will shut the door on his way out.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus did not want to be here. Okay, yes, he kind of did. He wanted, no, _needed_ to clear things up. But it didn't change the fact that it was hard to do. He ran through all the things he needed to say, over and over in his head like he'd practiced as he hit the buzzer.

And yet, as soon as he saw the familiar messy black hair and gleaming blue eyes, every thought of preparation flew out the window.

"Come in." Alec murmured gruffly,hiding his surprise and  moving aside to let Magnus in. Magnus nodded carefully, walking inside and sitting down on the couch. In the same spot that he'd sat in yesterday, when Alec told him...

Magnus shook his head, clearing out thoughts. That didn't really matter at the moment. 

"Alexander.. Can I be forward for a moment?" Magnus asked carefully, shaping the words delicately. Alec nodded slowly, his face void of emotion. Unreadable.

"What you told me yesterday.." He began, not missing Alec's flinch.

"I- I don't care." Magnus continued, and Alec's eyes widened. He began to speak, but Magnus stopped him with a hand.

"I don't. Alec, I doubt I could even handle a serious relationship at the moment anyways. But I- I could do casual. If you're willing." Magnus spoke slowly, and yet the words tasted foul in his mouth. Like it was ridiculous. But Magnus was doing it for Alec, because, in truth? 

Magnus didn't know what to think. He didn't know if what Alec had said was true, or just something he believed. But it was obvious Alec believed it, and Magnus just.. He wanted Alec. The thought terrified him, but he did. If it was only for a little while, and just having some fun, that was alright. 

Magnus was never any good at love anyways.

 

Alec opened his mouth, then closed it again. He thought of what Will said, and Izzy. He thought of how it was strange that in hundreds of years of experience, it was this twenty year old Shadowhunter that was taking control. He thought of trying it. Not promising love and forever attachment, but casual.

It seemed a foreign concept, something that had never crossed Alec's mind. But, as he thought, it could sort of work.

Alec knew he at least liked Magnus, so why not try _something_? If Alec could never have the full experience of love, this, at least, he could try. 

"Okay." The word came out small, and weak. But Magnus smiled, smiled so gently as he stood up and walked over to Alec.

"Okay." Magnus agreed, taking Alec's hand. Alec smiled weakly at him, finding the concept that Magnus was willing to do this strange. The fact that Magnus was fine with knowing it wasn't going anywhere. It was something mundanes did, but for the Shadow World it seemed out of place.

But if Alec could have even a taste of what love might feel like, he'd take it. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't even great, but he'd take it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sO THERE WAS GONNA BE MORE BUT THEN ITS LIKE... Eh.  
> I liked this chapter, please let me know whatcha think!  
> Do you like Will as a sort of Ragnor Fell? The idea was given to me by the lovely @slyvir, who I haven't talked to in a while but she is lovely and gave me a lot of ideas for this fic!  
> Anyways, this is kind of a bittersweet chap, ya know?  
> Hope you enjoyed and lemme know what you think!


	14. Little Bit Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY  
> THIS TOOK A MONTH AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER TAKE SO LONG INBETWEEN CHAPTERS EVER AGAIN  
> IN COMPENSATION TAKE THIS CHAPTER?

Alec was confused. And not only was he confused, but he was almost scared. Magnus had said he wanted to be with him. Even if it never lead beyond casualness. And that, that almost bothered Alec. Because why, why be in a relationship if it never lead anywhere?

The thought of even being with someone still scared Alec, even if he wasn't the way he was. It scared him because of the damage Camille caused, and because of the pain he'd seen Izzy go through because of a relationship. Even if strangely, he hadn't ever really seen Jace be crushed due to love. Jace didn't really seem to like anyone, not ever besides the occasional hook-up.

But in honesty, Alec was scared, and he was confused. He wasn't sure if Magnus and he were on the same ground, and he wanted to fix that. But, he still had work to do, clients to call back. Magnus Bane wouldn't take over every part of his life, even if he had started to.

 

.

Magnus wasn't confused, per se, but he did feel guilt. He felt guilt, and he wasn't sure why.

Okay, no. That was a lie. Magnus knew why, he knew exactly why, he just didn't feel like admitting it.

Magnus kept telling himself it was all for a spell, that was why he told Alec it was fine that he could never love. He just wanted to get closer to him, close enough to rid himself of his memories.

But, as they always do, emotions got in the way. Despite him hating to admit it, Magnus had feelings for Alec. He wasn't sure if it was just a petulant crush, but it was there, all the same.

Magnus never meant for it to happen, never meant for him to think of Alec as something more than just a mission, an object in the way of a goal. But real life happened, and he was stuck.

Magnus liked Alec, and he knew that one day all he would do was hurt him. But for the moment, Magnus could slightly focus on the 'liking Alec' part of his eventual goal.

If he was going to end up in pain, why not have a little fun beforehand?

 

.

 

After five jobs done, Alec finally turned back to his usual and most irritating job: Dealing with the vampire. She had a spell cast over her mind, something very strong and very, very intricate. It took hours to unravel even one string of the overall knotted mess that was the spell, and intense concentration. The whole thing was a huge pain in his ass.

He was interrupted by these gloomy thoughts with someone ringing the buzzer. Alec got up warily, wondering if it was Izzy but expecting the object of his confusion: Magnus.

And, as he opened the door, it turned out his suspicions were correct. Magnus stood there, looking stunning in the way he always did. He somehow incorporated fashion into Shadowhunter gear, wearing extremely tight black skinny jeans with artful rips, as well as a shimmering black fabric for a shirt with quite a few buttons undone. Over that, a simple leather jacket.

Alec blinked, looking away as soon as he realised he'd been staring too long.

"Um, come in." He muttered, willing the blush coloring his cheeks to go away. Magnus obliged, walking in with grace and sitting on Alec's couch.

Alec soon joined him, trying to swallow down his own anxiety and slight awkwardness. He was a warlock for god's sake, he shouldn't be falling apart over a Shadowhunter. And yet, he was. Falling apart over Magnus, that is.

"I wanted to make sure we're on the same page." Magnus stated all of the sudden, airy and confident. Alec nodded mutely, not sure what to say.

"And Alec, I meant what I said before." Magnus said quietly, referencing the night before. 

"You know I can't fall in love with you." The warlock murmured, blue eyes glistening as he stared at the floor. "I'm physically unable."

"I know, Alec." Magnus whispered, the Shadowhunter looking at the warlock in front of him. "And it's okay."

He liked to pretend his voice didn't break at the end of that sentence.

Alec glanced at Magnus, looked at the gentle expression on his face. And slowly, he smiled a little bit, a small, tentative smile. 

"Okay." Alec whispered back. "So, what do we do?" He asked quietly, more than slightly embarrassed that a 19-year-old Shadowhunter knew more about casual relations than a 400-year-old warlock. Magnus shrugged. 

"Anything a normal couple would do, I suppose." Magnus replied. He left out the _'Except for falling in love_ '. Magnus figured Alec wouldn't take too well to that particular sentence. 

Alec nodded in response, scooting closer to Magnus. Because he was 400, and because over that time he was slightly more confident, Alec put an arm over Magnus's shoulders, leaning against him a bit.

"Is this okay?" Alec asked, tentative and slightly scared. Magnus smiled softly, and nodded.

"It's perfect." 

They stayed like that for a while, in comfortable silence. Alec had gotten used to the sound of Magnus's breathing, before said person began to shift, shifting until Alec's head was on his chest, and Magnus had an arm around his middle.

"Better." Magnus hummed, not even aware of the effect that he had. The action brought fire to Alec's cheeks, but it was still welcome. Anything was a welcome distraction from the subject of Alec's condition, and this one felt particularly nice. 

After a while, Magnus murmured something, and Alec only barely heard the "Want to watch a movie?"

Alec snorted, actually snorted at the domesticity of it, and of the slight ridiculousness. But, in lieu of an answer, Alec snapped his fingers, playing a movie Izzy and he watched when they were bored. It was funny, and some of it's jokes never quite got old.

Magnus seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it, and Alec would be too, if he wasn't distracted by his proximity to Magnus, and a single sound. The sound of Magus's heartbeat.

It was strange, how comforting it was. The sound of a mortal's heartbeat. It was faster than Alec or Izzy's, and Alec noted with a strange satisfaction it seemed to be beating faster upon Alec's proximity.

Alec had almost lost interest completely in the movie, absorbed by the comforting sound of Magnus's heart. The reminder that he was there, that he was alive, and that, somehow, he liked Alec. Strange, twisted, and broken. Alec. And yet, Magnus liked him. The heartbeat was a reminder of that, and it brought a lasting smile on his face.

 

Or at least, it did. Until a loud crash sounded from somewhere behind him, and a light feminine voice that sounded a lot like Isabelle cursed.

"Alec, there's an emergency you need to come now-" Izzy stopped. She stared at the two, still in their previous position, and grinned maniacally. Alec winced in preparation for what happened next.

Isabelle screeched, a smug grin on her face.

 _"_ I _knew_ it!" 

Alec groaned, getting up and pushing past his currently babbling sister.

"Let's just go, Iz." He sighed, promptly ignoring the amused laughter from Magnus.

Family sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, guys I am so, so sorry. It's just.. It feels like no one quite enjoys this anymore due to only two comments last chapter and one for the one before it. I love writing this, but don't enjoy it as much as I would if I knew people enjoyed it.  
> So if you'd like me to update more frequently, do you mind maybe commenting? Just to encourage me a lil bit more :P  
> All the love, Shadow~


	15. Reactions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who wanted BAMF Warlock!Alec, well.. I hope this does the trick.

"Alec. Why won't you talk to me?" Isabelle complained loudly, barely dodging yet another attack from the demon she was facing.

They stood in the midst of battle, facing off a horde of demons and the same sickly vampires. Once Izzy had stopped freaking out, she had taken Alec and Magnus to this chaos that apparently the previous lycanthrope Valentine had summoned. Magnus had immediately contacted the other Shadowhunters, and they stood behind them. The Shadowhunters, werewolves, the occasional healthy vampire, Will, Jace, Izzy, and Alec were all that was there to fight against the horde. It wasn't much, but they had one thing the horde didn't: A mind.

Alec was able to strategize better than any of them, as he arguably had the most battle experience. While he barked orders, however, Isabelle decided that in the middle of fighting would be a good time to talk about feelings.

"Because we are in the middle of a _battle_ , and it's not appropriate to talk about _feelings_ at the moment?" Alec shot back, throwing another ball of fire at a ravener demon.

"I find that to be only technically true. Magnus came out as bisexual on the battlefield." Ragnor called from behind them, mirth swimming in his tone. Alec whirled around to send a questioning gaze towards Magnus, who simply shrugged and smiled crookedly.

In that short lapse of distraction, Alec hadn't noticed the tail snaking around Isabelle's hands to prevent magic and binding them, nor the one around her mouth so she didn't make a sound. He certainly didn't notice her being dragged away and into the horde, all the while struggling against the bonds. Alec was, for a moment, too caught up in Magnus's smile. Something that never would have happened in a normal battle, as Alec's first and foremost duty was to protect his siblings.

When he turned, his blood ran cold. And immediately, he cursed.

"Shit. Where the hell is Izzy?" Alec said, half under his breath. From behind him, Magnus sucked in a breath.

"Alexander, I'm sure she's-" He began, reaching a hand towards Alec to reassure him. But Alec cut him off,

"You can't be sure she's fine, because I fucked up." Alec whispered in the form of a reply. Magnus took a step back at the anger in his voice, knowing it wasn't directed towards him but towards Alec himself.

"It isn't your fault." Magnus spoke up again, after killing the few demons that were trying to take advantage of their vulnerable situation. Alec just chuckled bitterly, and Magnus could tell by his tenseness what was going on. Alec was protective of those he loved, especially his siblings but most of all Isabelle. If anything happened to her while Alec was present, he would immediately blame himself. It was irrational, but it was the mindset of an older sibling. It also didn't help that he had seen Izzy's ups and downs throughout immortality, and had protected her through all of those experiences. Failing to protect her now would've felt like a terrible negligence on Alec's part.

Magnus wanted to reach out and comfort, but he knew nothing he could do was going to help.

However, he certainly didn't expect Alec's reaction to come in the form of magic. In hindsight, it made sense considering Alexander was a warlock, and they did react to certain emotional situations with magic.

But he still didn't expect Alec's eyes to shift to a dark blue that was practically black, nor his hands to blaze up in demonic fire as he took a single, fiery step forward. Immediately the air had changed, charged with a sort of electrical frictions that only powerful magic could create.

Magnus wasn't the only who had noticed Alec's change in behaviour, apparently, as Jace and Will immediately looked panicked.

Jace turned around to the Shadowhunters, a worried yet calm look on his face.

"I suggest," he began calmly, "That you all take a step back." Magnus quirked an eyebrow, both interested and slightly confused.

Jace sighed, running a hand through his tousled hair. The demons that were previously swarming them had stopped, all of them turned to Alec as if waiting his next move. They certainly weren't the only ones.

Alec seemed oblivious to everything going around, but the magic in the air continued to rise until Magnus's hair stood on end. Jace noticed, obviously, and quickly shooed them all back. Magnus obeyed, but still was waiting for some sort of explanation. All he got was a tired smirk from Jace, coupled with a brief: "You'll see."

And Magnus, in the following seconds, definitely saw.

 

.

 

Alec wasn't really sure what was going on, nor did he really care. The only thing running in his mind was that somewhere, Izzy was in danger. And the demons around him were the cause of that, along with his own mistake.

But all he needed were those two facts to want to destroy, to let magic consume him. Because somewhere, someone hurt someone he loved. And that, in Alec's admittedly power-addled brain, was not something he easily brushed under the rug.

Alec's current state of mind was driven by one goal: get his sister back. So if he had to kill along the way? It didn't matter to him. Nothing else really did.

All he knew was destruction on the way to achieving that goal.

 

.

 

Magnus whistled, low and under his breath. They had all moved far away, to where they observed Alex from a reasonable distance. If they tried to help, it would've done more harm than good.

Alec wasn't the same Alexander he knew in that moment. In that moment, Alec was a warlock: Half demon. And Magnus had a hunch it wasn't just a regular demon that fathered him. With the strange prickling from the charged air, the way the demons backed away in fear, and the way Alec's eyes blazed with an unholy fire, Magnus figured he easily could be a son to a Prince of Hell. For a moment, Magnus's eyebrows raised considerably.

"Jace?" He asked, almost shakily. The vampire turned, confused.

"Yeah?"

"Alexander's demon half isn't, say, a Prince of Hell, is it?" He asked steadily, staring ahead at the destruction Alec was leaving in his wake. Jace visibly stiffened, and Magnus had his answer.

"Duly noted." He muttered dryly.

Jace only chuckled half-heartedly.

 

.

 

Alec had become lost, controlled by a need to kill, destroy,and most of all, get Isabelle back. He knew somewhere that he was being irrational, that he was using up too much magic and he shouldn't have reacted this way. But emotions came first, and emotions were much more prominent than reason.

He didn't pay attention to what he was killing, only that it died. Already all the sickly vampires had ran, instantly vanished when they saw his magic was at a dangerous level. Only the demons had stayed, rooted there with most likely a summoning spell. And already, a lot of them were dead. A thick layering of ash coated the ground where Alec walked, ash being the only remnant of a dead demon.

Alec had given up his mind to emotions and power, and he couldn't say he minded at that moment. It was only when his attackers stopped attacking, and the only thing in sight was a passed out Isabelle did Alec stop.

He had plowed through the enemies, killed mercilessly and it was only when he finally saw the familiar dark hair and rise and fall of her chest did he finally stop. The rest of the demons that were left had scurried back to wherever they came from, and Alec slowly started to notice how low his magic was.

He staggered as the haze he was under lifted to pure exhaustion. Izzy was safe, and that was all Alec needed to know to finally just.. Stop. However, that also meant his last shred of energy also stopped.

 

 

.

 

The charged air slowly began to lessen, and the fire around Alec dispersed. Magnus saw it as a good sign, but Jace looked panicked again. "Shit." Jace stood up immediately, and, with vampire-swiftness, started sprinting towards Alec. Magnus frowned, but didn't need an explanation to quickly follow.

When they arrived, Alec was staggering, dropping due to exhaustion. Magnus's eyes widened.

"What's happening? What's wrong with him?" He asked Jace, panic edging his tone.

"Used too much magic. He's going to collapse. Grab him, would you? I'll get Iz." Jace explained hurriedly, worry visible in his eyes and in his tone. Magnus noticed offhandedly that, in a different world, Jace and Alec might have been parabatai.

Magnus rushed over to Alec, catching him in his arms. Alec's eyes, now a deep cerulean, were glazed as he looked up at Magnus. Magnus smiled gently, brushing away a stray dark hair.

"Hey there, sweetheart." He spoke soothingly, and Alec gave him a dopey, exhausted smile. 

"Did anyone ever tell you you have beautiful eyes?" Alec mumbled, before his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell limp in Magnus's arms.

 

.

 

"Sir? What was the point of that? We wasted demons, and an amount of the vamps." A shaky voice asked, turning to the smiling lycanthrope next to him. 

"To assess their power. Now we know who to kill first." The lycanthrope explained, as if it was perfectly obvious. The original voice, belonging to a gangly vampire, spoke up again:

"A-and who would that be, Lord Valentine?" 

Valentine's lips twisted into a cruel smirk.

"Tell everyone the next objective: Eradicate Alexander Lightwood."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! This didn't take a month! It was actually going to be a few days ago, but real life got in the way and I apologize. But I just really, really want to say thank you. Thank you all so, so much for those wonderful comments last chapter. They honestly made me so happy, and made me instantly want to update. I loved hearing from you and knowing that there was people that like my work, it meant so much. And hopefully it worked in your favor by getting a chapter a lot quicker?  
> Honestly though, comments strangely mean a lot to me and your guys's feedback made me so incredibly happy and overwhelmed with warmth.  
> So anyways, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I feel like some parts a lil OOC, to which I apologize. Also the reason why Alec flipped out so much is going to be explained next chapter, so stay tuned! :3  
> PS: I'll give you malec kisses and cuddles if you give me feedback ;)


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